Chapter 3 - Finding Rachel

Here's the link to chapter three of my novel.

Chapter 3

If you'd like to keep reading, please visit the Finding Rachel blog and sign up for email notifications. I will post a chapter each Sunday.

I'm having fun! I hope you are too.

Chapter 2 - Finding Rachel

As promised, here is chapter 2 of my novel, Finding Rachel. Enjoy!


Chapter 2


Allyson had fun helping me act out this scene on our back porch, to figure out the logistics. She also enjoyed trying to help me with editing, but I finally threw her out because she was making me nervous.


I will post one more chapter notification next Sunday on this blog. After that point, if you'd like to receive notifications, you'll need to subscribe for email alerts on the Finding Rachel blog. Or you can just check back every Sunday.

Finding Rachel

Every now and then, somebody asks me about my novel. Did I ever finish it? Am I going to look for a publisher? That always gives me a sinking feeling.

I did finish the first draft about four years ago and started on the hard work of revision. Soon after, I went through a divorce, and publishing my novel wasn't even on my priority list.

It's been nearly three years since Bill and I separated, and I've started thinking about my neglected manuscript again. Thinking is all I have time to do about it; I never knew it was possible to be this busy.

During a recent Bible study on the life of King David (Chasing After the Heart of God), I was inspired to pray about how God wants me to be courageous, to step out of my comfort zone. My novel immediately came to my mind and heart, and I knew it was time to share this story that God gave me.

I still don't have time or energy to revise the manuscript for publication, but I believe I can manage publishing a chapter a week online.

This is an act of courage for me for two reasons:

1. I'm afraid it's not good enough. That's why I'm going to publish it anyway and let you decide. This is a good step toward letting go of my perfectionism. 
2. I'm afraid to commit to a chapter a week. I know I won't be able to resist the urge to do at least some minor editing, and that will take time. I fear publishing the first few chapters and then leaving you all hanging. 

I explained all this to God, but He told me not to let fear stop me from using the gifts he gave me. I can't argue with that!

I've set up a separate blog, Finding Rachel. I will post a chapter there each week, probably on Sundays. I plan to publish links to the first few chapters on this blog, but if you want to be notified each time I post another chapter, please visit the other site and enter your email address in the "Subscribe" section.

Also, if you enjoy the story, please share it with others via social media. My prayer is that someone will be touched by this story of redemption and healing.

So here's the first chapter:

Chapter 1

Do the Work!

Did you notice in my last post how I casually mentioned something hugely significant? That I feel God calling me back to teaching? In case I've never told you, I taught 7th- and 8th-grade English and reading in an inner-city school back in the 90s. Truth be told, I wasn't all that good at it. I think I needed more patience and wisdom, and probably more anointing. After 3.5 years, when Ethan was an infant, I resigned. It was too hard to take care of a baby and keep up with all the lesson plans, grading papers, disciplinary phone calls, etc. I was just plain worn out.

Although I've always figured I might go back one day, probably when I retire from my "real job," I've never had any desire to go back in the near term. But for the last three weeks, a tiny seed has been growing. It started when I was driving past Ethan's high school. As I often do, I prayed for the teachers and the students, and I started to pray that God would raise up strong Christian leaders there. But before I could form the words, another thought interrupted: "You could be there."

My immediate reaction was nervous fear. I didn't even want to ask if that was God because I knew there was no WAY I was going back to teaching. I still have teaching nightmares after 15 years, for crying out loud.

Within three days, I had said, "Yes, Lord. I will do this... if you open the door and show me your plan. But if you want me to do this, I need you to change my heart."

When I have more time, I'll have to tell you all the ways God kept gently breaking up the hard ground in my heart and watering that little seed. One of them was watching Allyson's teacher embracing her students last Friday at the Kindergarten graduation.

As the idea began to take root, I found myself getting a bit impatient as I wondered what the next step should be. Do I go back to school? If so, when? How will I manage that?

Daily, I kept asking God to show me what to do. As I waited for the answer, I found myself reflecting on something our pastor says: "Stop asking God what He wants you to do next when you haven't done what He's already told you to do."

So I changed my prayer. "What have I not done? What have you already told me to do?"

Asking the right questions made all the difference. The answer came one morning when I wasn't looking for it, in I Chronicles of all places. In addition to my Bible studies over the last few months, I've been reading through the Bible as quickly as possible. I have to confess it's been slow going in books like I and II Chronicles. I wasn't looking forward to another list of soldiers or a list of furnishings for the temple that morning, but I prepared my heart as I usually do when I read the Word; I asked the Holy Spirit to help me understand what I needed to learn, and that he would reveal the truth hidden in the Scriptures.

That morning's reading was the story of King David preparing his son Solomon to take the throne and to build the temple in Jerusalem. He admonished him to acknowledge God and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind.

The next words instantly sent chills up my spine, and I had to read the verse again, aloud, with a tremor in my voice:

Consider now, for the LORD has chosen you to build a temple as a sanctuary. Be strong and do the work. (I Chronicles 28:10, emphasis added)

An overwhelming mixture of conviction and excitement washed over me. I knew what the Holy Spirit was telling me. I thought of my book, languishing untouched on my computer. I'd long since finished typing it up, but hadn't done a single revision. "God, you chose me to write that book," I said aloud. "Please forgive me for being afraid and being too lazy to do the work. Help me be strong and do the work."

At that point I was tempted to stop reading because I knew I'd already received my message for the day, but thankfully I turned the page and read on. Verse 20 was even better:

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail your or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished. 

"Yes, Lord," I said. "I will do the work. Thank you that I don't have to be afraid or discouraged any longer. Thank you that I can trust you to guide me and give me the support I need."

God continued to encourage me in the days that followed. First, my friend Heather emailed and reminded me that I had promised to send my full manuscript so that she and my other writing buddy could talk through what needs to be cut with me, and what needs further development.

And then my friend Anne emailed this after reading a couple of my blog entries about Laura: "The experiences you had are amazing of course because God is amazing but also... you really have a gift for writing!!  Have you thought of pursuing that further?  (Just a thought!)"

To which I replied: "Thank you! Yes, I have been halfheartedly pursuing a writing career. I’ve written the first draft of a novel but have been too afraid/lazy to do the hard work of revision. God has been convicting me about that, and your words are a confirmation that I need to DO THE WORK."

So I did the work, or at least took a baby step. I finished a bit of research I'd been putting off and filled in some blanks in my manuscript, and then I formatted it for printing. Last night I sent it off to Office Depot, and this evening I gave copies to Heather and Jacque.

I kept a third copy for myself. It will be the first time I've read it through, and I'm excited about that. Having taken to heart Anne Lamott's advice about giving myself permission to write a really crappy first draft, I know there's lots of work to be done. But with God's help, I'm up for the task!

Here's my copy, hot off the press.

I'm so thankful that God speaks to me, that he enables me to hear and understand and that he provides confirmations to build my confidence--even when I don't ask for them. I love it that when I'm not expecting something "good" out of an Old Testament book, he proves me wrong. And I love it that he never gives up on me, that he doesn't get disgusted with all of my waffling.

As the priests and the Levites sang, "He is good; his love endures forever." (II Chronicles 5:13)

Exactly 50 Words

Tonight is the first time in weeks that I have sat down to work on the manuscript for my novel. I've been so, so busy, and my heart has been on other concerns. But the story is always at the back of my mind, asking to be told.

In September I'll be attending a Christian writers' conference that I so enjoyed last year, and this time I will be attending a three-day mentoring workshop with a published author and 11 other aspiring authors. Tonight I completed the prerequisite: a 50-word summary of my book (plus the first five pages, which I had already written and rewritten a few times).

Do you have any idea how hard it is to sum up a novel in only 50 words? I can't even put it in words. I've already used well over 50 in this blog entry.

Since I did the work, and since I've told you very, very little about my novel up until now, I thought I'd share my summary, which is EXACTLY 50 words:

Finding Rachel (working title; hope I can do better than that)

When Emma’s sister dies after a decade of estrangement, she seeks peace through reading her journals, but reliving old heartaches brings pain that might destroy her fragile marriage. As her life falls apart, she discovers the hope Rachel found through her growing faith, and her own faith begins to blossom. 

So there you have it. Before the workshop, I plan to finish typing my manuscript and hopefully do the first cuts so I'll be ready for some serious revisions.

Okay, now I've got lots of typing to do. Hope you're having a good weekend.

Love,

Sarah Louise
Writer

Guess What??

No, I'm not pregnant. But I did finish my novel yesterday! That is to say, I finished the (very) rough draft. There's still much to be done, but I'm so thankful to have reached this milestone. Ecstatic, actually, because I wanted to give up so many times but God and my friends and family wouldn't let me.

The idea came to me last January during a bout of insomnia, but I didn't actually put my fingers to the keyboard until March 8, 2010. I wrote the first five chapters, about 60,000 words (way too long!), on my computer, and then I switched over to writing in a notebook.

I filled up one large notebook, a pretty one that I made at MOPS (Mothers Of Preschoolers) a couple years ago. I like to think it's like the journals used by one of my main characters,  Rachel.

 I then moved to the purple journal on the left, which I filled about a third of the way. The spiral bound journal on top is where I put the plot outline and character details, and the little flip-top book with the "B" is where I wrote ideas that came to me throughout the day, even when I was driving. (I waited for a stoplight to fish it out of my purse!)

The Sharpie pen is the third one that I completely spent. I prayed yesterday that God would let the ink keep flowing until I finished it; I didn't have another one like it, and it is such a pleasure to write with that type of pen. My first two Sharpie pens were a gift from my friend Jenny, who has been a big encouragement to me through this project.

Writing in a notebook took me back to my childhood, when I had ink-stained fingers from all the stories I wrote in my school spirals. I was able to be more creative after making this switch because it was much harder to "tinker," and my mind had to slow down a bit to let my hands catch up. But I did manage to do quite a lot of rearranging, as you can see from the random sample below.

I did most of the writing in small bits, like at ballet and soccer practice and the hair salon (under the dryer). But I did take a couple of days off work at the end of 2010 to work on my writing. I also went to a scrapbooking retreat where I did nothing but write for a whole weekend. That was awesome. I was able to get lost in the characters' stories and to stop the constant editing.

I was able to finish yesterday due to some help from my friend Christina, who has prayed for me faithfully through over a year of writing. She's been gracious about my leaving her hanging after reading the first five chapters, and she's anxious to see the rest once I get it typed up. Anyway, she let Allyson come over for a playdate while I went to Starbucks to work on the manuscript. (Leslie, you'll be interested to know that I had an iced chai latte. It was good, but not as good as yours!)

I couldn't believe how many people were there at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon. There were gabbing young women, a couple of ladies having some sort of political powwow, a screaming newborn, and two men endlessly smoking cigars. I was able to block all of that out until some kids about Allyson's age started racing around the tables shrieking. That's when I moved inside for my last 30 minutes.

I came so close, but had one more scene left to write. I finished it when Bill went to his 11:00 hockey game. I usually write at the dining room table downstairs, but last night I wanted to go to my Secret Place, my prayer closet where I've spent a lot of time praying over this book. It felt so good kneeling on the floor and penning those last few pages.


What Next? 
Now I need to type up the rest of the manuscript, break it into chapters, figure out all the dates on Rachel's journal entries, and do a bit of revising. I estimate that I'll need to chop about a third of what I've written! After that, I'll set it aside for eight weeks and work on other things or just have some fun reading. After that break, I'll pick up the book and try to read it as an outsider, not as the author. I'll see where I need more detail, less detail, more emotion, etc. And I'll see where I called a character by the wrong name or gave him two different colors of hair (I hope, anyway).

And then I'll send it out to my focus readers, including Christina, and get their feedback. Would anyone else like to volunteer as a focus reader? I promise not to leave you hanging like I did Christina A., Angela, Diana, and Christina W.

As for the rest of you, I hope you'll read the finished product in a year or two. And please keep me in your prayers. Thank you for all your support, and simply for being such faithful readers. It was you who gave me the courage to dream and the confidence to turn my dream into reality.

Courage

I'm going to try to explain why I needed to take a break from blogging, and how God spoke to me during that time....

To say I've always loved to write would be an understatement. I believe I was made to write. There's this word I learned recently that says it all: funktionslust. It means finding delight in doing what you do best, what you were made to do. For cheetahs, it's running. For eagles, it's flying. For beavers, it's building a dam. Funktionslust goes beyond achieving a goal like catching the prey; it's about reveling in the doing, because you're doing what you do best. That's how I've always felt about my writing.

Up until I started blogging, writing was something I did for myself, and very few people ever read what I wrote. But my blog changed all that. I was surprised to learn how many people were interested in what I had to say, and how many people enjoyed my stories. Over the last couple of years, maybe ten blog readers have told me, "You should get paid for this" or "You should write a book."

Writing a book had always been a dream for me, but it was a dream almost on the same level with winning the lottery; I never thought I would actually do it--until I heard other people telling me I should. There was only one problem: I didn't have any story ideas. I prayed about that and gave that desire to God. "I'd love to write a book," I said, "if you'll give me the story."

In January, I had a terrible bout of insomnia due to a nasty cold, and I while I was wallowing in misery and self pity, something amazing happened. A story idea literally dropped into my head out of nowhere. I thought and thought, and soon I was too excited to sleep. This went on for days and days, and I was utterly exhausted. For the next several weeks, I constructed the entire plot in my head without ever putting it to paper.

I finally started the manuscript in March, and I've written six chapters so far. I'll tell you more about the story later, but for now I'm just going to say that it's a story about sisters. Working on the book has been a roller coaster ride. I love the writing part, but I find myself thinking way too far ahead: What if I can't find a publisher? What if no one reads it? What if they read it and they don't like it?

Or... what would it be like to be famous? Wouldn't it be awesome to write the next Great American Novel? 

When I have those ambitious thoughts, my conscience pricks me. I don't want to be motivated by pride, or seek my own glory. That's why I needed to take a break from blogging and spend some time praying about God's plans for my writing.

Making the decision to be obedient to God's leading gave me such peace. Sometimes I did worry about when I'd be able to write again and whether I would lose all my readers, but every time I worried I prayed about it. I knew that God had given me a gift and that His plans for me were so much better than my own. For a couple of weeks, I really didn't hear anything at all, but I was able to keep the peace I'd felt at the start. I made up my mind that I wasn't going to make any decisions about my writing until I felt an assurance about what I should do.

Back in March and April, different friends had given me two devotional books. Melissa gave me Whispers of Hope, by Beth Moore, and my prayer group gave me New Day New You by Joyce Meyer. On two occasions, both books had the same message, and the message seemed personally directed to me! It boggled my mind to know that God would lay it on different people's hearts to give me books that would speak to me, and that I would somehow be on the right pages at just the right times for Him to give me the same message twice. The Meyer book has dated devotionals, but the Moore book does not, and I just read it on the days when I have more time. I really don't know how God does that!

Here were some of the verses and commentaries that spoke to me:

• Galatians 1:10 "Now am I trying to win favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ." Meyer admonishes, "Stop trying to build your own reputation, and let God do it for you." 
• 1 Cor 10:31: "Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 
• Psalm 40:6: Sacrifice and offering you do not desire, nor have You delight in them; You have given me the capacity to hear and obey." 
• Philippians 4:13: "I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me." Meyer says, "We do not need confidence in ourselves--we need confidence in Jesus!... When the devil lies and says, 'You can't do anything right,' your response to him can be, 'Perhaps not, but Jesus in me can, and He will, because I am relying on Him and not on myself. He will cause me to succeed in everything that I put my hand to.'" (Joshua 1:7)
• Psalm 27:8: Meyer's commentary: "I have found that when I seek God's face to get to know my wonderful, loving heavenly Father better, His hand is always open to me." 
• Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Moore says, "As we make ourselves available to delight in God, He slowly revolutionizes our approach to finding fulfillment. Those who seek to delight in the Lord will ultimately develop a delightful relationship with Him.... Anyone who truly delights in the Lord will one day realize that God has become the desire of her heart. When He is our delight, we begin to want what He wants.... When we struggle with self-seeking desires, we hit our knees in prayer."
• Here's one that was perfectly timed for what I was feeling that day (5/24/10). Moore says, "If our heart's desire is the will of God, we will wait for His timing even when the pause is long and uncomfortable.... Do we truly believe God knows what is best for us? Then we can also believe God knows when is best for for us.... Use every second of the wait to allow the Father to increase your faith and deepen your trust.

The most exciting thing that happened during my time of waiting is that God revealed my next memory passage! The text from a sermon at church really spoke to me, and I felt a tug in my spirit. "Is this for me, God?" I asked. That same day, my friend Kristi commented on my "Last Post For Awhile" blog entry and quoted the same passage! She said she'd thought of me when she heard the passage at her church that morning (a different church). I was so excited that God would give me a passage and a confirmation in the same day, and even though the passage focuses on attitude correction--no, because it focuses on attitude correction--it made me realize how very much the Father loves me. He isn't going to just let me sail along doing my own thing and following my own desires, but he's going to discipline me. And this isn't just a momentary rebuke, but a weapon I can use every time I am tempted by pride. Here's the passage:

³Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ⁴Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
 ⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
 ⁶Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 ⁷but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
 ⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross!
 ⁹Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
      and gave him the name that is above every name,
 ¹⁰that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
      in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
 ¹¹and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
      to the glory of God the Father.

I learned the first verse immediately, and I've quoted it to myself more times than I can count--every time I've have a prideful thought about anything. 

After a couple of weeks of working on the memory passage and feeling that I had laid my desires on the altar, I started wondering when God would give me the green light to start blogging again. I was anxious to share what I'd learned, as well as many fun stories (like Allyson's first ballet recital!). I kept watching for a sign, but I didn't know how to recognize it. During that time, I received many messages from friends and family to let me know that they were praying for me and that they hoped I'd start writing soon. Many of them gave me journals (nearly ten in all!). Some of them told me how my blog entries had inspired and encouraged them in their faith, and this brought tears to my eyes. 

While I was talking this over with my friend Gentle one afternoon, I had an epiphany. The key to overcoming my pride and ambition was to focus on ministering to others. On my next quiet time, I knelt and prayed for all of my readers, present and future. I fervently asked God to speak through me and use me to draw others close to Him. As tears dropped onto the stained carpet on my stairway landing, all traces of pride melted away. I was so humbled, and so ready to serve. 

Send Me an Angel

Still, I didn't feel the urge to write; I wanted to, but I didn't feel the time was right yet. Following Beth Moore's advice, I settled in and relaxed as I trusted in God's perfect timing. And I kept watching for my sign. 

And it finally came in the most wonderful way! When Bill's mom came down for Allyson's birthday, she brought all the birthday gifts that had been accumulating for me, Ethan, Bill, and Allyson. One of the gifts was from Bill's sister Lisa. She gave me a Willow angel to add to my collection, most of which were earlier gifts from her:

The latest angel had her arms raised in triumph. I loved her right away, but I wondered what she meant. All the other ones had been easy: a mother with a baby, a father embracing his family, etc. I wondered if this angel might have something to do with turning 40. Did this mean I could now let go of fear and accomplish every goal I set my mind to? I decided that's what she would mean to me. Of course, I thought of my writing, and it made me smile. 

Turns out, I wasn't far off in my interpretation. Lisa called and asked what I thought of the angel; she wondered if I'd noticed the title of the piece. While I was on the line with her, I trotted down the stairs and turned over the figurine. "It says Courage," I panted. 

When Lisa told me she'd thought of my writing when she saw that angel, my heart quickened with excitement, and tears gathered in my eyes. Could this be my sign? 

I prayed about it the next day, and all of the scriptures I'd been studying over the past weeks came together for me in a whole new way. I realized that my battle wasn't just with pride, but it was just as much with fear--I was wavering between those two extremes. Pride says, "I can do this--all by myself." Fear says, "I'm afraid I can't do this. I'm afraid I'll try and fail." But courage says, "Through Jesus, I know I can do this."

I realize now that even my fear was a form of pride because I was relying on my own strength to overcome the obstacles instead of trusting God to show me the way. Since that time, I've still had fearful thoughts, but I'm choosing to keep my eyes on God. I am making myself available to Him, and I know whatever plans He has for me are good.

Thank you to everyone who commented, emailed, called, or spoke to me with words of support and encouragement. Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed with me and for me about my writing. Please keep praying! I love you guys.