Even Before I Call

I wrote this entry this past Sunday (December 8), but couldn't get it to post that day. The Friday that I refer to in the entry was one week ago.

Friday was a stressful day for me, though I felt pretty good physically. I spent the majority of the day working on a cover letter, but I wasn’t satisfied with it. And then I completed all but the last screen of an online job application, only to be kicked back to the home screen without any of my changes being saved. 

“I’ve got to get out of here,” I said aloud. “I can’t do this one more minute.” 

The afternoon was mild, so I mounted my bike and followed my usual route over the park trails. I tried to keep my thoughts in the moment, to focus on the few remaining green leaves and the sound of the water, but my thoughts kept returning to the job applications. 

About halfway through my ride, I had a thought so pathetic that I shocked myself: “In April I’ll be 50. I wonder how much longer I will live.” I thought about the longevity of my parents and grandparents--thank you, Jesus--and figured I could have another 40 years or more left. “I’m so tired,” I thought. “I want to be at the end.”

Immediately I repented. “I’m sorry, God. No, I don’t want to skip past my whole life. I don’t want to skip any of it because I know you work in all things for my good. You promised me abundant life. This isn’t abundant life… being bound by fear and worry. Please help me take hold of the joy that you have for me in this time of trouble.” 

A Hope Not Seen

Remember how afraid I was a few weeks ago about starting to substitute teach? I'm not even sure when it happened, but recently I realized that subbing has become a delight. Once or twice a week, I step into the unknown with that familiar flip of nerves that I felt in my belly every morning as a 7th-grade Reading teacher: What challenges will I face today? But the unease is tempered by an exhilarating sense of possibility: What children and teachers will I connect with today?

Probably the best thing to come out of subbing is the opportunity to observe other teachers when I have a planning period free. When it first occurred to me to use my free time this way, I hesitated to request it, but not one teacher has turned me down. They've graciously welcomed me into the most mundane of daily routines and even into their most challenging classes, either when nothing exciting was happening, or when too much excitement was happening.

What I've learned is that other teachers struggle. Other teachers are ordinary just like me. And despite all the stress and the challenges, they love their jobs! Better still, all their hard work is making a difference, because they are loving and being loved.

I Press On

At 10:40 AM this past Sunday, just one hour and 40 minutes behind schedule, Allyson and I took off on a short vacation to the Texas Hill Country, bound for what we call The Donkey Cabin. We'd stayed in that charming 1840s log cabin exactly two years before on a trip with Ethan and my niece Savannah, and we couldn't get wait to get back there.

Around 2:00, we met up with Allyson's friend Kambry, who'd been on a vacation with her aunt and uncle just 48 minutes from our destination. I took those giddy girls straight to Longhorn Caverns State Park.

When we turned onto the six-mile park road, I was shocked to see a sign for Inks Lake. "Hey, Allyson!" I said. "Remember that lake where we jumped off the cliff into the water that time?"

"Yeah!"

"This is the same road that leads there. What was that? Three years ago? Yes, it was the same trip when we found out we'd gotten the contract on our dream house, right before we watched the fireworks. Wasn't that the best day ever?"

"Yes, it was! Can we go back to Inks Lake?"

"We'll see," I said. "I thought you wanted to go to McKinney Falls this time."

This IS the Good Part!

I know I ended my last entry on a positive note, but I was back down the very next day, maybe even lower. We saw three houses, including a second look at the one Ethan loved with the upstairs man cave. As Allyson and Ethan walked through the house, they both exclaimed over every room. Ethan praised the granite countertops and even the kitchen faucet!

My friend Gentle agreed that this was a great house. Despite my lackluster response on the first visit, I found myself swept along by their enthusiasm. The master bedroom really was very pretty, and the bedroom Allyson didn't want would make a great office and spare room. Maybe it didn't matter so much that there was very little countertop space, granite notwithstanding. Or that the washer and dryer were in the (sweltering) garage.

So when Kim suggested making an offer, and quickly, I said, "Maybe I will. This is a definite... maybe." We lingered for several more minutes, and then she said, "Have you come to a decision?"

I opened my mouth to say yes, but I couldn't form the words. My heart constricted with fear. What if this wasn't the right house? Or what if it was, and I let it slip away? I was afraid to say yes and terrified of saying no. So I just burst into tears, resting my head against the wall and clutching it with both hands.

"This is so hard," I sobbed.

"I know it is," Kim said, folding me in her arms.

"I don't know what to do," I sniffled. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You've been through a lot. Buying a house can be very emotional."

I finally told her and the kids that I would pray about it, sleep on it, and make a decision in the morning.

But even the thought of praying about it stressed me out. How could I know what God was telling me when I'd heard Him wrong the last time? I wondered about all the other times I thought God had spoken to me. Maybe I'd been wrong those times too. Maybe all of it had been my imagination. I wanted to believe God was with me, yet I felt like I'd have to make this decision all on my own.

I told the whole story to my Celebrate Recovery group last night, tears streaming down. They cried with me. And then they assured me that God was with me and would never abandon me. I said I still felt sure that God had led me to make the offer on the other house, and that I just couldn't understand why I was going through this.

One of my friends gently asked a question that convicted me deeply. "Could it be that God is testing you so you can learn to trust Him and be obedient when things don't go the way you want them to?"

"But what about the flowers?" I asked. "You don't know what those flowers meant to me."

"Sarah, we'll all come over and help you plant your own oleander bush at your new house."

"It can be the symbol of your family's new life. It will mean more because you planted it with your own hands."

"We'll plant it right outside the window so you can see it when you're working."

I smiled through my tears. Yes, why not? I've loved oleander bushes for years, and it never used to matter which house they belonged to.

Although it was past midnight when I finally had a moment to pray, I went eagerly to my closet and fell to my knees. "Oh, God," I cried. "I'm so exhausted. I don't even want to think about the house. I don't want to ask for direction. I just want to be with you. Please be near me.... Oh, you are near me. You are Emmanuel, God with us."

I wanted to praise Him, but I was too tired to think of the words. Instead, I sang an old hymn that came to my mind. "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles.... Teach me Lord, teach me Lord, to wait."

I crawled into bed feeling perfectly peaceful and slept soundly. But my first waking thought was of that house. What if I bought a kitchen island, the kind with cabinets and working space and a couple of barstools? How much would that cost? Maybe I could make that kitchen work after all. I'd also need an area rug to cover all that ceramic tile, and maybe a flat screen TV...

I threw my legs over the side of the bed. Ugh. I'd been awake two minutes and I was already trying to figure out the plan all on my own. "Good morning, God," I said sheepishly. "I really want to spend time with you."

I sat at the kitchen table and started to flip to the next day in my current Bible study, Discerning the Voice of God, by Priscilla Shirer. But I didn't make it that far because my eyes fell on a prominent caption in a lesson for next week: NO NEED TO HURRY.

I eagerly read the paragraphs above and below the caption, which were conveniently underlined from the time when I did this study a year and a half ago. I had underlined:

When we feel rushed and hurried to make a decision not rooted in a deep confidence of inner peace, God probably has not spoken.... If you feel an overwhelming urge to act spontaneously, pull in the reins.... If you do not feel assurance in a decision, then wait.

And today I also noticed:

The Thief's voice, unlike God's voice, threatens and intimidates on the basis of fear: If you don't do this, you'll be sorry.... Do this now! If you wait, all will be lost! (Jan Johnson, When the Soul Listens)

My heart pounded. There in black and white on the page were the very thoughts that had been swirling in my head for the last few days!

Here was my answer, the same one I've become so familiar with lately: "Wait."

I thought about the message I'd received from my friend Kristi the day before, an excerpt from a devotional that made her think of me:

"Therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious unto you...blessed are all they that wait for him." (Isaiah 30:18) 

The Lord has an inconceivably glorious purpose for each of His children. "If this is true," you ask, "why is it that He continues to wait longer and longer to offer His grace and to provide the help I seek, even after I have come and waited on Him?" He does so because He is a wise gardener who "waits for the land to yield its valuable crop" and is "patient...for the autumn and spring rains" (James 5:7). God knows He cannot gather the fruit until it's ripe, and He knows precisely when we are spiritually ready to receive blessings for our gain and His glory. Rest assured that if God waits longer than we desire, it is simply to make the blessings doubly precious....

Ahhh! It dawned on me then that I was hearing God's voice at last, confirmed through a sacred echo. I remembered my morning walk from the day before, how I'd reminded God of all those little signs of His love that I'd found at my lowest point back in the fall. "I could use some more manna now, God."

Here was my manna! But it got even better... and then better still.

Around mid afternoon, I was smiling at my desk and thinking about what an amazing author God is. Yes, this has been a roller coaster, but what a story it is, still unfolding. "I can't wait to get to the good part," I thought.

Another thought followed right on the tail of the first. "This is the good part!"

I laughed out loud. Yes, really. The good part is not getting the perfect house, or even the perfect neighbors. The good part is not getting free from all this stress. No. The good part is finding peace in the middle of the stress. It's breaking free of my fear and taking a leap of faith, knowing He will catch me.

Oh, if I can learn this lesson! I'll never be the same again.

When I shared all this at Bible study tonight, I explained how I'd felt so lost the last few days. "I felt deaf, alone in the desert."

One of the ladies reminded me that sometimes the desert is right where we need to be. It's there that God works on us, makes us grow. I nodded in agreement.

Priscilla Shirer's entire video, immediately after, was a sacred echo. It was a personal word to me (and probably to many others on both sides of the screen). Guess what it was all about? Yep, the desert! She recounted the story of Moses fleeing from Egypt and living in the desert for 40 years. After growing up in the palace with all the luxuries and the best education, he found himself a lowly shepherd. But it was there that he encountered the burning bush and heard the voice of God that changed his life forever.

"Bushes don't burn in the palace," Priscilla said.

"If your life isn't going the way you prefer it, if you find yourself in the desert, know that God is with you. [Emmanuel, God with us, I thought with a smile.] He has you in the desert for a purpose. He has a plan for you, and right now He's equipping you for that plan. Don't look at your circumstances, look up! Keep your eyes open for the burning bush, and keep your ears open. He will invite you to join Him in the personal plan he has for you, a plan that fits in with His plans for your generation." (my paraphrase)

Wow! As I said in my last entry, God's plans for me are so much bigger than a house. I have no idea what He's preparing me for, but I think it might have something to do with the call I felt to teaching about a year ago. In my current circumstances, going back to teaching seems utterly impossible. But is anything impossible for our God?

Thank you for reading. I can't wait to share the next chapter (and the next). As Gentle said this morning, I have no doubt that God will surpass my expectations in every way.

It's Still Being Written

I have a couple of happy stories stored up to tell you, but I'm going to save those for another day. One of them is about our annual trip to Vancouver, which was both better than I expected and harder than I anticipated. But I don't have custody of the camera, and I want to share the pictures with the story.

Tonight, I want to share my heart with you. It's been a tough, tough day. A relapse day, when I've wanted to pick up the reins again instead of trusting God with my future. Today I've been thinking that I really can't be happy unless my life turns out the way I wanted it to, the way I thought it would. I've been thinking that God's love is really not enough to satisfy me. Oh, I know all the verses about God giving me a hope and a future, and all things working together for my good, and the plan He's had for me since before I was born. But my heart isn't listening. I just feel heavy, broken, empty.

So it's a good thing that I had my first Celebrate Recovery session tonight. There I met a lot of messed up people, just like me. But the good news is that they are celebrating recovery. The first principle of recovery is exactly what I need at this moment:

• Realize I’m not God; I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. (Step 1)
  “Happy are those who know that they are spiritually poor.”

And the third, even more:

• Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control. (Step 3)
  “Happy are the meek.”

On the drive home, I remembered an experience I had on the plane home from Vancouver last Thursday. I'd been feeling sorry for myself, fighting tears, when I suddenly thought about the mercy God has shown me over the last 12 years, and how I'm not the woman I was back then. I wrote a letter to God, thanking Him for the experiences and people He brought into my life, always at just the right time. I thanked him for leading me to Psalm 139 in a hotel room, for connecting me with the Thursday Group, for helping me push past my awkwardness and grow a friendship with Gentle, and for bringing Laura to me.

And then I realized something so important: No, I'm not the woman I once was. And I'm also not the woman I'm going to be. Here's what I wrote about that:

I thought the testimony I shared at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) was so beautiful, how you worked in all things for my good, even in my sin. I don't know if I would have ever known my need for a savior if I hadn't come into such shame....  

The last seven months have been such agony for me. I'm suffering still.... Even though I've wavered in my faith many times, I feel much closer to you than ever before. I realize my desperate need for a savior, a redeemer.

I know my testimony is still being written. This is hard mercy! But I know you are merciful. You are removing everything I don't need out of my life. When I come out of this trial, I'll be a different woman. I'll have such compassion. I'll be able to love even more. You will use my pain to minister to others who are suffering. Your glory will be revealed in me. It will be worth every tear, every sleepless night. 

And I know there will be joy for me. I have no idea what that will look like, but I will laugh and dance for joy. One day I will look back on this time and see your hand at work. I will know why it was necessary for me to hurt so much.

I don't know why I felt compelled to share this with you tonight. But I look forward to the day when I'll post a link back to this entry and say, "See how God used this suffering for my good."

Please pray for me. Pray that I will surrender to His will and find the rest and peace that comes from obedience. And pray that He will continue to make His love real to me.

My Life is a Book

Here's a story I've been looking forward to telling you since the day I started this blog. It's the next chapter in my love story with Bill. (Did you even remember that we had a love story?)

In the last chapter, I told you what I endured in order to get a clean bill of health so that we could start trying to conceive. It was such a relief to have the waiting behind me at last, and so exciting to wonder if this could be the month. During this time, I was memorizing Psalm 139, and I was in awe of the timing. As I slowly worked through the chapter, verse by verse, it seemed that the verse I was currently memorizing almost always was the perfect one for what I was experiencing at that moment.

Here is an email that I sent to my Thursday group back in 2004 that captures my initial anticipation...

4/9/04

I was having my morning break today, meditating as usual on the SAME passage I've been studying for months, when I saw something new.

As you know, now that I have passed the colonoscopy, we are free to start trying for a baby, and we are, though Bill doesn't technically know yet. (He's ready, so that's not an issue.) I quietly stopped taking my pill this month, and the knowledge that we could be making a baby is a precious little secret in my heart.

Well, I was meditating on my verses and I stopped on Ps 139:13: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I wish you could have seen the little smile on my face. I think it must have looked like Mona Lisa's smile, a private smile over a secret only she knew. It seemed so incredibly...INCREDIBLE and WONDERFUL that at this VERY moment, God could be knitting together a baby in my womb.

So I talked to God about that. I asked him for his perfect timing and his will, even if his will is no baby at all. At this moment, at least, I am feeling perfectly at peace with the waiting and the uncertainty because I know that God ordained all my days, and he knows what's best for me. I wish I could keep this moment forever.

Anyway, I thought I would share. Please be in prayer with me that I will continue to seek God's will in this and not become impatient like I usually do about everything else in my life.

Oh, how well I knew myself! Fast forward a year...

Here I Am on My 35th Birthday - April 2005

5/18/05

Hello everyone. I'm missing you a lot this week. I've been feeling sad, a deep sense of grief, really, as I've been trying to let go of the dream of having a baby. I just don't want to hope any more. It hurts too much when I start my period each month. This past month I didn't hope at all, and it still hurt when I started my period yesterday.

With each passing month (15 of them now), I feel more certain that Bill and I will never share that joy together. I have tried so hard to honestly give up that desire because I know that God's plan is best for me. Maybe we will have a baby, and if we do it will be at the perfect time, according to his plan. Sometimes I think I am at peace with just asking God for his will continually, and trying not to decide for myself what I want.

The problem with that is the not knowing. I keep thinking, "If I could just KNOW what God's plan is, it would be so much better." If I KNEW there would be no baby, I would grieve, and I would go on and be thankful for what I do have. And if I knew that in x months or years we would have a baby, I would spend the time preparing to be the best mother I could be, and just enjoying the anticipation. But I don't know what's going to happen, so I keep preparing for the worst. I keep telling myself how it wouldn't be so bad not to have a baby, how wonderful our life is already. I can almost believe that until I see a commercial or a TV program or a woman on the street who is pregnant or has a new baby, and then I just feel this deep sense of loss, thinking "I can't have that. That's for other people, not for me." Then I feel guilty for not being thankful and joyful about God's plan for my life.

All that to say... Today I was studying Psalm 139 for perhaps the 200th time (maybe more!), and I got something I hadn't seen before: Ps 139:15-16 "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

What I saw today when I quoted that scripture was your book. When God ordained the days for my life, before I was even born, he wrote them in His book. It's a book about me and my days, but it's HIS BOOK. I'm not supposed to know what is in the book, only to know the Author of the book. Since he planned all my days, I know that it's going to be a wonderful, incredible, awesome book. But I can't skip to the end without reading the whole thing. I have to savor it page by page, enjoying the process of getting to the end of the book.

I want to approach my life the way I approach a really good book. I love to savor a good book. I'm always dying to know what will happen next, but I never "cheat." I enjoy seeing the plot unfold slowly. If it's an author I love, I know from the start that I'm going to enjoy myself.

Obviously God is the best author you could find. I want to feel that same way about my life. I guess if there is not a baby in his plan, then I don't need to grieve that loss. Because whatever He has planned is what is best for me. He KNOWS! So I need to have joy in knowing that he cares for me and has planned the best life there can possibly be for me. He is going to teach me incredible truths along the way, and he is going to let me experience joy and sadness and longing and everything else that makes this life so rich and amazing.

Girls, I GET IT!! At this moment, I really get it. Please pray that God will continue to teach me this lesson and that it can be mine to keep. Pray that he will remind me of this moment over and over, whenever I need to hear it. Thank you.

I can't wait to hug everyone.

Love,

Sarah Louise

Bill and I (Far Left) at His Brother Trevor's Wedding, Same Month as the Preceding Email Message

As so often happens in my life, once I finally learned the lesson, God soon gave me the desire of my heart. But that’s another story.

Courage

I'm going to try to explain why I needed to take a break from blogging, and how God spoke to me during that time....

To say I've always loved to write would be an understatement. I believe I was made to write. There's this word I learned recently that says it all: funktionslust. It means finding delight in doing what you do best, what you were made to do. For cheetahs, it's running. For eagles, it's flying. For beavers, it's building a dam. Funktionslust goes beyond achieving a goal like catching the prey; it's about reveling in the doing, because you're doing what you do best. That's how I've always felt about my writing.

Up until I started blogging, writing was something I did for myself, and very few people ever read what I wrote. But my blog changed all that. I was surprised to learn how many people were interested in what I had to say, and how many people enjoyed my stories. Over the last couple of years, maybe ten blog readers have told me, "You should get paid for this" or "You should write a book."

Writing a book had always been a dream for me, but it was a dream almost on the same level with winning the lottery; I never thought I would actually do it--until I heard other people telling me I should. There was only one problem: I didn't have any story ideas. I prayed about that and gave that desire to God. "I'd love to write a book," I said, "if you'll give me the story."

In January, I had a terrible bout of insomnia due to a nasty cold, and I while I was wallowing in misery and self pity, something amazing happened. A story idea literally dropped into my head out of nowhere. I thought and thought, and soon I was too excited to sleep. This went on for days and days, and I was utterly exhausted. For the next several weeks, I constructed the entire plot in my head without ever putting it to paper.

I finally started the manuscript in March, and I've written six chapters so far. I'll tell you more about the story later, but for now I'm just going to say that it's a story about sisters. Working on the book has been a roller coaster ride. I love the writing part, but I find myself thinking way too far ahead: What if I can't find a publisher? What if no one reads it? What if they read it and they don't like it?

Or... what would it be like to be famous? Wouldn't it be awesome to write the next Great American Novel? 

When I have those ambitious thoughts, my conscience pricks me. I don't want to be motivated by pride, or seek my own glory. That's why I needed to take a break from blogging and spend some time praying about God's plans for my writing.

Making the decision to be obedient to God's leading gave me such peace. Sometimes I did worry about when I'd be able to write again and whether I would lose all my readers, but every time I worried I prayed about it. I knew that God had given me a gift and that His plans for me were so much better than my own. For a couple of weeks, I really didn't hear anything at all, but I was able to keep the peace I'd felt at the start. I made up my mind that I wasn't going to make any decisions about my writing until I felt an assurance about what I should do.

Back in March and April, different friends had given me two devotional books. Melissa gave me Whispers of Hope, by Beth Moore, and my prayer group gave me New Day New You by Joyce Meyer. On two occasions, both books had the same message, and the message seemed personally directed to me! It boggled my mind to know that God would lay it on different people's hearts to give me books that would speak to me, and that I would somehow be on the right pages at just the right times for Him to give me the same message twice. The Meyer book has dated devotionals, but the Moore book does not, and I just read it on the days when I have more time. I really don't know how God does that!

Here were some of the verses and commentaries that spoke to me:

• Galatians 1:10 "Now am I trying to win favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ." Meyer admonishes, "Stop trying to build your own reputation, and let God do it for you." 
• 1 Cor 10:31: "Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 
• Psalm 40:6: Sacrifice and offering you do not desire, nor have You delight in them; You have given me the capacity to hear and obey." 
• Philippians 4:13: "I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me." Meyer says, "We do not need confidence in ourselves--we need confidence in Jesus!... When the devil lies and says, 'You can't do anything right,' your response to him can be, 'Perhaps not, but Jesus in me can, and He will, because I am relying on Him and not on myself. He will cause me to succeed in everything that I put my hand to.'" (Joshua 1:7)
• Psalm 27:8: Meyer's commentary: "I have found that when I seek God's face to get to know my wonderful, loving heavenly Father better, His hand is always open to me." 
• Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Moore says, "As we make ourselves available to delight in God, He slowly revolutionizes our approach to finding fulfillment. Those who seek to delight in the Lord will ultimately develop a delightful relationship with Him.... Anyone who truly delights in the Lord will one day realize that God has become the desire of her heart. When He is our delight, we begin to want what He wants.... When we struggle with self-seeking desires, we hit our knees in prayer."
• Here's one that was perfectly timed for what I was feeling that day (5/24/10). Moore says, "If our heart's desire is the will of God, we will wait for His timing even when the pause is long and uncomfortable.... Do we truly believe God knows what is best for us? Then we can also believe God knows when is best for for us.... Use every second of the wait to allow the Father to increase your faith and deepen your trust.

The most exciting thing that happened during my time of waiting is that God revealed my next memory passage! The text from a sermon at church really spoke to me, and I felt a tug in my spirit. "Is this for me, God?" I asked. That same day, my friend Kristi commented on my "Last Post For Awhile" blog entry and quoted the same passage! She said she'd thought of me when she heard the passage at her church that morning (a different church). I was so excited that God would give me a passage and a confirmation in the same day, and even though the passage focuses on attitude correction--no, because it focuses on attitude correction--it made me realize how very much the Father loves me. He isn't going to just let me sail along doing my own thing and following my own desires, but he's going to discipline me. And this isn't just a momentary rebuke, but a weapon I can use every time I am tempted by pride. Here's the passage:

³Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ⁴Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
 ⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
 ⁶Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 ⁷but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
 ⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross!
 ⁹Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
      and gave him the name that is above every name,
 ¹⁰that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
      in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
 ¹¹and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
      to the glory of God the Father.

I learned the first verse immediately, and I've quoted it to myself more times than I can count--every time I've have a prideful thought about anything. 

After a couple of weeks of working on the memory passage and feeling that I had laid my desires on the altar, I started wondering when God would give me the green light to start blogging again. I was anxious to share what I'd learned, as well as many fun stories (like Allyson's first ballet recital!). I kept watching for a sign, but I didn't know how to recognize it. During that time, I received many messages from friends and family to let me know that they were praying for me and that they hoped I'd start writing soon. Many of them gave me journals (nearly ten in all!). Some of them told me how my blog entries had inspired and encouraged them in their faith, and this brought tears to my eyes. 

While I was talking this over with my friend Gentle one afternoon, I had an epiphany. The key to overcoming my pride and ambition was to focus on ministering to others. On my next quiet time, I knelt and prayed for all of my readers, present and future. I fervently asked God to speak through me and use me to draw others close to Him. As tears dropped onto the stained carpet on my stairway landing, all traces of pride melted away. I was so humbled, and so ready to serve. 

Send Me an Angel

Still, I didn't feel the urge to write; I wanted to, but I didn't feel the time was right yet. Following Beth Moore's advice, I settled in and relaxed as I trusted in God's perfect timing. And I kept watching for my sign. 

And it finally came in the most wonderful way! When Bill's mom came down for Allyson's birthday, she brought all the birthday gifts that had been accumulating for me, Ethan, Bill, and Allyson. One of the gifts was from Bill's sister Lisa. She gave me a Willow angel to add to my collection, most of which were earlier gifts from her:

The latest angel had her arms raised in triumph. I loved her right away, but I wondered what she meant. All the other ones had been easy: a mother with a baby, a father embracing his family, etc. I wondered if this angel might have something to do with turning 40. Did this mean I could now let go of fear and accomplish every goal I set my mind to? I decided that's what she would mean to me. Of course, I thought of my writing, and it made me smile. 

Turns out, I wasn't far off in my interpretation. Lisa called and asked what I thought of the angel; she wondered if I'd noticed the title of the piece. While I was on the line with her, I trotted down the stairs and turned over the figurine. "It says Courage," I panted. 

When Lisa told me she'd thought of my writing when she saw that angel, my heart quickened with excitement, and tears gathered in my eyes. Could this be my sign? 

I prayed about it the next day, and all of the scriptures I'd been studying over the past weeks came together for me in a whole new way. I realized that my battle wasn't just with pride, but it was just as much with fear--I was wavering between those two extremes. Pride says, "I can do this--all by myself." Fear says, "I'm afraid I can't do this. I'm afraid I'll try and fail." But courage says, "Through Jesus, I know I can do this."

I realize now that even my fear was a form of pride because I was relying on my own strength to overcome the obstacles instead of trusting God to show me the way. Since that time, I've still had fearful thoughts, but I'm choosing to keep my eyes on God. I am making myself available to Him, and I know whatever plans He has for me are good.

Thank you to everyone who commented, emailed, called, or spoke to me with words of support and encouragement. Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed with me and for me about my writing. Please keep praying! I love you guys.

When Will We Make Our Nest?

It's been so long that you've probably forgotten the rest of our love story, but here's the next chapter....

When Bill and I started dating, long before we made a serious commitment, I informed him that I'd really love an old-fashioned proposal if I ever got married again. I didn't want to pick out a ring together, go house shopping together, or even talk about a wedding. Instead, I envisioned a proposal that was a dramatic surprise.

The idea seemed wildly romantic at the time, but I'd forgotten one thing: I really, really hate to wait. And I despise uncertainty. You can imagine what happened. Bill moved down, and we enjoyed a normal dating relationship for a change. But six months passed, and then a year, and still we were just dating. I began to wonder just what was the holdup. How long did it take to figure out whether you wanted to spend your life with a person?

It took all my resolve, but I fought the urge to bring up marriage; I wanted to follow my own rules, after all. Just when my impatience was really mounting, I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

It was December of 2001, and Bill and I were flying up to Vancouver together before Christmas. We were about halfway through the four-hour flight, and I'd dozed off, nestled under Bill's sheltering arm. I woke with a start when the beverage cart came through, and then I stared through bleary eyes at my pretzels and Diet Coke.

Just as I lifted the cup to my lips, Bill said, "So when do you think we might get married?"

I choked on my drink. (I mean, I literally choked. I used to see that in movies and think it was just for dramatic effect, but now I knew that shock could do that to you.) As soon as I regained my power of speech, I sputtered, "Why? Is this a proposal?" I fought to keep my tone casual, but my heart was hammering against my ribs.

"No," he answered. "I just wondered what you thought."

"I don't know, maybe in the summer? What do you think?"

He wouldn't say what he thought, just said he wanted to "feel me out."

I was all nerves for the rest of the flight, but Bill was maddeningly calm.

I half expected a diamond for Christmas, but there was no proposal. I was torn between relief and disappointment--relieved because I feared another failed marriage, but disappointed nonetheless.



Just knowing that Bill was thinking of marriage helped ease the wait, but it also intensified the anticipation. With each holiday or special occasion, I geared up for the big moment. Valentines Day came and went, and my birthday was looming.

My birthday would really be the perfect setting. Both of us were traveling to Birmingham, Alabama, for training on a new software application. For a week, we'd be eating fancy dinners on the company dime, doing a bit of sightseeing in a beautiful locale, and of course doing a little work, too. For good luck, I packed the blue sundress I'd worn on our first date in Chicago.


We had a lovely steak dinner on my birthday, with some conversation that was mostly enjoyable, though my palms were clammy and my hands were shaky. When we headed back to the hotel, however, my ring finger was still bare.

That Saturday, we went canoeing on a deep blue lake, and then we went on a nature walk through the thick, lush woods that surrounded it. We enjoyed a picnic in the sun--and went back to the hotel with sunburns. Still, there was no ring.

On our last day there, we visited an art museum. While we sat outside waiting for the museum to open, Bill pointed out a bird building a nest. I took a deep breath and said, rather plaintively, "I wonder when we'll make our nest."

He replied, "I thought we were already building a nest."

"Yes, but when will we be moving into the nest? Summer? Fall? Winter?"

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise," Bill answered. Then he said he'd have to wait six more months now so that the proposal could be unexpected. Argh!!!

More Waiting
Several more months passed, and I continued to wonder about our future. I poured out my frustrations in my journal:

Monday 6/17/02
I've been feeling a little insecure again. I'm wondering when he'll propose and when we'll get married. The summer is HERE, and we're not even engaged yet. I feel a little rejected. I don't know why he's waiting so long.

If he doesn't feel ready, then I don't want him to rush. I just don't like this not knowing. Help me be patient, Lord.... I want your will for my life. I surrender my future into your hands. Help me leave it there. I'm tired of trying to figure it out....

Tuesday 7/16/02
I want to be that sort of wife, Lord [the virtuous woman, from Psalm 31]. Please prepare me for the future. I put my hopes and doubts in your hands. Let your will be done concerning my prospective marriage, and let it be done in your perfect time. Help me to learn and grow and just enjoy this process....

Thursday 9/5/02
I feel frustrated because I hate not knowing. I guess I can wait another year to get married; I just wish I could KNOW how long the wait is. I think the Lord is teaching me something in this. It feels like the same lesson I was learning from waiting for the work Visa. I need to dig out my old journal and reread the verses God gave me then.

Here they are...

• Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
• Isaiah 26:3-4: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal."
• Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Thank you, Lord, for these verses! Help me learn the lesson. I put my trust and my hope in you. You are my hope, my peace, my joy. Let your will be done in my life. Thank you for your love and mercy!

I could have been frustrated that God was having to teach me the same lesson all over again, but instead I chose to be thankful. Just as had happened with the Visa the year before, once I'd learned the lesson, God gave me the desire of my heart. But that's another story.

Overflowing With Hope

Do you have a particular life lesson that God teaches you over and over again? For me, that lesson is definitely patience, and the method He uses is so simple and so agonizing: waiting. It seems I am ALWAYS waiting for something--waiting for a job, waiting for marriage, waiting for a baby. No matter how well I learn the lesson on one occasion, I have to learn it all over again the next time. Today I want to share one story about how I grew through waiting. It's also the next chapter in my love story with Bill; I've been wanting to continue that story for a long time now.

Back in May of 2001, Bill applied for an L-1 Visa through our company. In four to six weeks, we thought, he would transfer from the Vancouver office to my office in Texas. At last, our year of long-distance dating would be over, and we'd live happily ever after!

These pictures were taken on one of my visits to Vancouver, right around the time Bill completed the mountain of paperwork and sent it in.



Having the end in sight made our separation so much easier to bear. Though I tend to be impatient, I can usually tolerate or even enjoy the anticipation as long as I know how long the wait will be. I set my mind on six weeks and joyfully started the countdown.

As you might have guessed, it didn't work out the way I expected....

Excerpts From My Journal
-5/28/01
I miss Bill a lot today. I just wish he were here for good. I'm tired of counting down the weeks.

-6/1/01
From the mountain to the valley.... Good thing my faith doesn't depend on my emotional state, or I'd be faithless today.... I felt sad and let down, and tears started rolling down my cheeks. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I couldn't help it.... I comforted myself with chocolate, and later Bill's sensitive, compassionate emails were a big comfort. He said he wished he were here to "kiss away my tears." That gave me a few happy tears. I love him so very much. It's hard to be patient for his transfer to come through.

-6/26/01
I'm feeling very impatient about the Visa. It's been six weeks and one day, and they said four to six weeks. I still keep thinking that he won't really transfer, that something will go wrong. I can't truly imagine him living down here, or us being married. I want it, but it feels like just a fantasy. I think God is teaching me patience through this experience. Maybe I'm not really ready for Bill to move, and God knows that.

-7/2/01
I was hoping to hear about Bill's Visa today, but there was no word. Lord, help me be patient. It's not just that I am anxious for Bill to come, but that a part of me fears he'll never come, that the Visa will be denied. I try not to think that way, but it's been seven weeks!... I have prayed so often for your will in Bill's transfer, and for your timing. Yet I cannot seem to let it go and leave it in your hands. Forgive me, Lord. Help me to trust you.

-7/13/01
Bill was saying that it isn't hard for him to wait on the Visa because he's happy with his life the way it is. He said he was anxious to move down, but he is happy there, too. I asked him if he was SURE he wanted to move down here; if he's happy with his life up there, why would he want to change it? I think he was aggravated by that question. He said OF COURSE he's sure. I told him that I was sure, too, but that I also get nervous about the future, that change scares me. Maybe he thought that meant I was getting cold feet....

I hung up with tears in my eyes. So now I'm just waiting, like the story of my life. Always waiting and waiting. I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep....

Lord, help me to rest in you. I can't resolve any of these feelings or these fears, but you can. Please work this out according to your will. If I am not meant to be with Bill, let me find this out soon, but give me the strength to bear it. And if we are meant to be together, give me assurance. Help me to have peace.

Surrender
When the waiting become too difficult to bear, at last I threw up my hands and stopped asking God for what I wanted. Instead, I asked for what he wanted for my life. Though I'd said that many times before, this time I really meant it. I was just too exhausted to keep struggling.

A few days after that turning point, on July 30th, to be exact, God gave me three scriptures:

• Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
  
  
• Isaiah 26:3-4: You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.
  
  
• Romans 15:13: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
  

I knew that I had been leaning on my own understanding and that I COULDN'T understand why there was such a delay. These verses reminded me that God could be trusted and that he had a good reason for making us wait. I knew that the answer would come at the right time.

Suddenly, instead of being imprisoned by anxiety and worry and impatience, my heart was overflowing with hope, joy, and peace. I don't think I ever would have come to that place without the months of waiting.

The Explanation
The very next day, we got word as to the status of the work Visa! It wasn't the news I was hoping for, but it was a progress report. His Visa was supposed to have been filed in May, but it actually hadn't been submitted until June, and the INS hadn't registered it in their system until July 11. There had been a two-month delay from when we started the process, and now the INS was estimating 30-90 days from the date of filing.

That meant we could hear from them in as little as a week, or as long as nine more weeks. Based on the way things had gone up to that point, I was inclined to expect the latter.

Amazingly, I was not discouraged by the news, but continued to revel in my newfound peace.
The Answer!
Just two days later, on 8/3/01, I was called into the director's office at work, where I listened to a voicemail from the corporate attorney who had submitted Bill's paperwork: William's L-1 Visa had been approved!

I was so happy that I cried, much to Steve's chagrin. "This is good news, right?" he asked.

"Wonderful news!" I choked out.

The next day, we sprang into action, making all the arrangements. But that's another story.