I was tempted to clean up this entry a bit because I wrote it during brain fog this afternoon, from something I ate; have to figure that out if possible. It took me about 3 hours to write because I knew it was all in the wrong order. Ana can tell us if I got it right. But I don't want to clean it up because I want you to see my progress. It doesn't matter whether this is my best writing or not.
I had just finished my last blog entry and was making myself a smoothie (banana, a bit of plum--new today, so low and slow--, yogurt, honey, turmeric drop, iceberg lettuce, cantaloupe), when I saw a woman coming to the door. I ignored her, figuring this was another of the many deliveries of unusual food items and kitchen gadgets that arrive by the day.
When I answered the doorbell, I was shocked to find my sweet neighbor, Ana, with a bouquet of pink roses.
This morning I'd had another of my panic attacks, brought on by immune reactions to my food, and after I'd meditated on half the scriptures on my kitchen sticky note collection, God had directed me to go outside.
2 Timothy 1:7, Isaiah 12:2-3, Romans 8:15, Psalm 23:4, Matthew 11:28, Romans 5:2-5, Psalm 23:2-3, Genesis 21:6, Joyce Meyer quote, Romans 8:24-25, Habakkuk 1:5
Outdoors, I breathed deeply in the warm morning air and feasted my eyes on the mature trees in my neighborhood.
"I am like a tree planted by the water," I prayed aloud. "My roots go down deep to the life-giving water. You are the water. The water of life."
I felt the wind and saw it moving the leaves in the tree.
"The wind is like your Holy Spirit," I said. "No one knows where it comes from or where it is going, but we know that it is there. I have your Holy Spirit inside of me, carrying me wherever you want me to go..... I am Dust in the Wind. You are the wind."
I felt my breathing slowing down, though the headache that had brought the panic continued to throb in the back of my head. Something I had eaten, surely. But what? I focused myself on my breathing, the green leaves, and the wind.
Just then, I saw Ana getting into her truck, dressed in cute gym clothes. I called out to her and then just ran across the street.
"A hug," I said. "I need a hug." I'd been at her house the night before, so she knew about my panic attacks when I get autoimmune symptoms.
She wrapped me in a tight hug and held me.
"It's medicine," I whispered into her hair as tears streamed down my face. "Your hug is medicine."
"Yes, it is," she said.
I told her about how God had told me to come outside while I was meditating on my scriptures like I usually do for anxiety.
"Yes, you need to go outside," she said. "The sun on your skin, the vitamin D. You need that."
"Yes, I do!" I said. "I can read my Bible outside. That's what I was about to do."
"Yes. Get a chair and bring it outside. Do your reading out here. Sit in the shade, though."
"I will," I promised. And I did. I had the most amazing quiet time in.... ever, I guess. God really spoke to me and did a great work in my heart. But I will share that another time.
Back to the Doorbell and Sweet Ana
"Oh, Ana!" I exclaimed as I threw my arms around her.
"Be careful. There are thorns," she warned.
I carefully took the little bouquet and breathed deeply. "This is aromatherapy," I said.
"Yes, it is!"
"And it reminds me of how much you love me and how much God loves me."
"I just want you to be happy," Ana said.
"Oh, I am. I am. I am so happy right now."
She hugged me again and laughed aloud. "You've got to focus on being happy so you can get better."
"Yes, but it's hard," I said. "I focus to much on this..." I pointed at all the food strewn around my kitchen. "But I have to. I can't eat the things that make me sick. I've been so isolated here," I said. "I do need to focus on things that make me happy."
"Yes!"
"You have to remind me," I said. "I can't remember things right now. When you're at work you can send me texts."
"I will," she said. "You have to do little things for yourself to make yourself happy."
I sniffed the roses again.
"You can put them in your room so Arwen won't eat them."
"Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. Arwen ate Juan's roses, remember?"
She laughed. "Yes, she did."
"I'll keep them in my room, and I can look at them and smell them there."
"You need to focus on being grateful," Ana added.
"Oh, I am. That's what my dietitian suggested. I've been making a gratitude list at bedtime every day. That's why I sleep so well. Last night I had the best sleep in years. Eight hours in a row!! You're going to be on the top of my list today."
"Yes, you need to focus on being happy and grateful."
"Not just at night, but at the start of the day, too," I interjected.
"And whenever you feel sad," Ana agreed. "Focus on being happy and grateful. My mom used to pray and thank God every day. I don't know how to pray, but I-"
"You know how to pray," I said. "God loves us so much. All you do is talk to him."
"Focus on being grateful," she repeated.
"I will," I promised, making a mental note to add a gratitude list to my morning routine and hoping that I would not forget that.
"Hey, can we pose for a selfie?" I asked. "This is going to be in my book for sure," I said.
"Oh, I don't know. I'm all sweaty from the gym."
"All of my selfies are ugly, trust me," I said. "You're going to look beautiful next to me."
"Okay," she said.
"Can you help me find my phone?" I asked. "It's part of this Hashimoto's thing [the brain fog]. I lose everything. Constantly. It drives me crazy."
We both scoured the kitchen to no avail.
"Did you bring your phone?"
"No, I didn't."
I thought back to my last blog entry and how I had emailed the photos from my phone while I was on the toilet. (Yes, I use my phone on the toilet. So do you. You just don't admit it.)
"Oh, I think it's in the bathroom," I said. Sure enough, there it was next to the sink. (Yes, I washed my hands. Of course!)
I then proceeded to take an ugly selfie of us both. [Out of respect for Ana, I am withholding that photo. You're welcome, dearest.]
"I can't see it," Ana said; I think she uses readers.
"You look great," I lied.
"I take selfies all the time now for my book, but I don't know how to do it," I said. "Selfies help me remember things, so it's great.... If Allyson were here she would know how."
"Let me try," she said. "I think people usually hold the phone out farther like this." She extended her arm high above us.
Her picture was a little better. She looked gorgeous but my nose still looked gargantuan. I guess that's because it really is gargantuan. Anyway, I hope you can see our joy.
 |
| That's Ana on the right. Aren't the flowers lovely? Like Ana. |
I told her about a short message from Levi Lusko that I had just heard on the radio, right before she knocked.
"It was a message for me," I said. "Really specifically for me. It was about how when we lose so much, God always gives us something better."
"Yes, when you go through a hard time you can really appreciate the good things more," she said.
"That is true. And God loves us so much. He gave me you as a heart sister."
Ana hugged me again, squeezing me tighter.
"I love you, Sarah," she said, and she held me while I cried.
"God gave me you as a sister. Also, he gave me an Egyptian tax driver for a brother, a new Christian."
"Really?"
"Yes, and a Christian Uber driver from Rwanda [Africa]."
"Really?"
"Yes. The Egyptian man asked if he could hug me because I am his sister. And he did. He held me while I cried." Also he prayed for me, but I forgot to tell her that part.
"And the African man prayed for me in his car. He has only been in Texas for one month, and he barely speaks English."
"Really?"
"Well he's been in America for 8 years but he just moved to Texas a month ago. They are both my brothers."
"Wow!"
"So you see that even though I have lost so much in this battle with Hashimoto's, God is giving me new stuff, better stuff."
"Yes, he is! I love you so much, Sarah."
"Me too, sister."
"You look really beautiful in the selfie," I said when she was on the way out my door.
She grinned. "You think?"
"Oh yes, everyone who sees you always says you're gorgeous."
"They do?"
"Yes, like my roommate Kim." I gestured behind me to her bedroom. "The first time she saw you she sent me a text saying that you were so gorgeous."
Ana flushed with pleasure.
"It's true," I said.
"Stay in touch," Ana said. "And do things to make yourself happy."
I will. Oh, I will.
My life is like these roses. The thorns make the beauty all the sweeter when God gives me eyes to focus on it. I could barely see them through my happy tears.
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