Good Medicine: Hope

Day 19 on LEAP protocol. Right now I am still in phase one, a special diet based on a blood test that identified the foods to which I have the fewest antibodies.

Yesterday, Day 18 - Ready for a trip to  my new functional medicine doctor
See my new do! How do you like the bangs? Unfortunately I can't wear any makeup. Oh well.

Yesterday was a really wonderful day. Hope has been building in me for a few days, and this is so healthy for my mind and body, and even my immune system, I am told. Here are a few things I am grateful for from these past few days.

• I have stopped losing weight! I am up two pounds in two days, from 113 to 115. Yay!!
  
• I am able to drive again. My first outing was on day 10 of the LEAP diet, just a couple of miles to my favorite grocery store in the world, Natural Grocers. Everything there is organic, non-GMO, no artificial anything. And it is the size of Aldi, the little German discount store, about like a large convenience store. Perfect when you have tachycardia (rapid heart rate) and want to burn fewer calories. But my tachycardia has resolved on the LEAP diet, except when I get adverse reactions to things like tea tree oil.
  
  On Thursday I drove 20 minutes in the evening to a Celebrate Recovery meeting, where I received a week's worth of hugs... and hope for recovery. One woman there has a serious illness, and she told me about a support group at that church for people with chronic illnesses. They only meet once a month, and it is this coming Sunday (tomorrow). I'm going for sure. Guess what the title is? Okay, I'll tell you... Chronic Hope! It is for patients and their caregivers. I don't have a caregiver.
  
  Yesterday, I drove 30 minutes to my new family doctor, a functional medicine doctor who will coordinate with my thyroid functional medicine doc and my LEAP dietitian. More on that momentarily.
  
  The reason I could not drive before was chronic sleep deprivation, for about 6 weeks. I slept very little until I got on the LEAP diet and back into my own home. More on sleep in another entry. 

  

  First time I've needed to buy gas since July 7. It felt good.

• I made something bread-ish at last! Two days ago I made oat tortillas, so simple and good. I topped them with American cheese, the only type my immune system doesn't have antibodies against; there is actually healthy, tasty American cheese (who knew?). More on that later, too. Then yesterday I made oat muffins and topped them with grape jam that I made in my breadmaker and sunflower seed butter that I made in my Blendtec blender (not in that order).
  
  I used oats that I sprouted and dehydrated myself. Sprouting removes the protective outer covering of seeds (grains and nuts) and makes them easy to digest, so that you can get all the nutrition out of them.
  
  At my roommate's suggestion, I made bedtime snacks to keep next to my bed so I don't have to get out of bed when I wake up in the night to feed myself. It works! The little oat snacks aren't perishable. When I wake up I drink water from my stainless steel cup, go to the bathroom if I must, and eat my snack. Then I use the Abide app to play scripture meditations to put myself back to sleep. Magic.
  
• I absolutely love my new functional medicine doctor, Dr. Sattar in South Fort Worth. She has successfully treated other patients with Hashimoto's thyroiditis as well as other autoimmune disorders. She is very intrigued by my case. I told her about my known setting events and several horrible drug interactions that exacerbated my illness; I will share that another day. She said my case is so severe that she believes there could be a pathogen behind some of the physical and mental symptoms. "We will get to the bottom of this," she said. "You are going to be your healthy self again." With that, she gave me a hug that brought tears to my eyes. No other doctor has ever hugged me before. She affirmed the self care and mindfulness actions that I do on the days when my mind is working well enough: petting my cat and focusing on her fur and her eyes; praying; meditating on scripture; walking in the park when it isn't too hot.
  

  

  Arwen, also known as Sweet Cat

  
  She said that managing stress is my number one priority for healing the immune system. I have to stay positive and take care of my mind and spirit. She recommended a book that helps you focus on removing negativity from your life. She warned that the author is a mysticist and not a Christian, but she believes it will fit with my Christian beliefs quite well. I previewed it online after my walk today, and I agree. Although this author calls God the Universe, I have no problem with that. In my wakeful period last night I listened to Que Seas Mi Universo, a beautiful Spanish song about letting God be our entire universe. 

• Last night I was awakened at 1:30 a.m. by a fragrance sensitivity. I panicked when I smelled something sweet, and got out of bed to investigate. My roommate had just returned from work and was showering with a scented soap on the other side of the house, and both of our doors were closed. Absolutely bizarre, and very unnerving for me. But after a hug and a prayer together, and after meditating aloud on some new scripture stickies that the Lord gave me through the Nigerian Uber driver that I mentioned in a previous entry, I was able to get back in bed and go to sleep. I fell asleep listening to scripture meditations and slept beautifully. I didn't get as many hours as usual, but neither was I up all night like I was with previous immune reactions. I am getting better! The more I sleep, the better my immune system and mental health will be.
  

Because of all of these things, my Beloved has given me hope that I will get my life back. I believe it will be even better than it was before. I am reminded of a verse that my precious Aunt Sue gave me during my divorce 7 years ago:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13).

That verse was a billboard for me when I was shopping for a house.

Good Medicine: Joy, Gratitude, and Sisters

I am posting this at 2:41 a.m. after another horrible immune reaction, this time to tea tree oil. That is a crazy, crazy story, and I promise to tell it tomorrow. It involves a new friend named Courtney. I'm going to be just fine, but if I'm going to be awake with tachycardia again, I might as well use my time for a good purpose. I've been praising Jesus and listening to scripture meditations on Youtube for a couple of hours, but my heart rate is still too fast to sleep. 

I was tempted to clean up this entry a bit because I wrote it during brain fog this afternoon, from something I ate; have to figure that out if possible. It took me about 3 hours to write because I knew it was all in the wrong order. Ana can tell us if I got it right.  But I don't want to clean it up because I want you to see my progress. It doesn't matter whether this is my best writing or not.


I had just finished my last blog entry and was making myself a smoothie (banana, a bit of plum--new today, so low and slow--, yogurt, honey, turmeric drop, iceberg lettuce, cantaloupe), when I saw a woman coming to the door. I ignored her, figuring this was another of the many deliveries of unusual food items and kitchen gadgets that arrive by the day.

When I answered the doorbell, I was shocked to find my sweet neighbor, Ana, with a bouquet of pink roses.

This morning I'd had another of my panic attacks, brought on by immune reactions to my food, and after I'd meditated on half the scriptures on my kitchen sticky note collection, God had directed me to go outside.

2 Timothy 1:7, Isaiah 12:2-3, Romans 8:15, Psalm 23:4, Matthew 11:28, Romans 5:2-5, Psalm 23:2-3, Genesis 21:6, Joyce Meyer quote, Romans 8:24-25, Habakkuk 1:5 

 

 

Outdoors, I breathed deeply in the warm morning air and feasted my eyes on the mature trees in my neighborhood.

"I am like a tree planted by the water," I prayed aloud. "My roots go down deep to the life-giving water. You are the water. The water of life."

I felt the wind and saw it moving the leaves in the tree.

"The wind is like your Holy Spirit,"  I said. "No one knows where it comes from or where it is going, but we know that it is there. I have your Holy Spirit inside of me, carrying me wherever you want me to go..... I am Dust in the Wind. You are the wind."

I felt my breathing slowing down, though the headache that had brought the panic continued to throb in the back of my head. Something I had eaten, surely. But what? I focused myself on my breathing, the green leaves, and the wind.

Just then, I saw Ana getting into her truck, dressed in cute gym clothes. I called out to her and then just ran across the street.

"A hug," I said. "I need a hug." I'd been at her house the night before, so she knew about my panic attacks when I get autoimmune symptoms.

She wrapped me in a tight hug and held me.

"It's medicine," I whispered into her hair as tears streamed down my face. "Your hug is medicine."

"Yes, it is," she said.

I told her about how God had told me to come outside while I was meditating on my scriptures like I usually do for anxiety.

"Yes, you need to go outside," she said. "The sun on your skin, the vitamin D. You need that."

"Yes, I do!" I said. "I can read my Bible outside. That's what I was about to do."

"Yes. Get a chair and bring it outside. Do your reading out here. Sit in the shade, though."

"I will," I promised. And I did. I had the most amazing quiet time in.... ever, I guess. God really spoke to me and did a great work in my heart. But I will share that another time.

Back to the Doorbell and Sweet Ana

"Oh, Ana!" I exclaimed as I threw my arms around her.

"Be careful. There are thorns," she warned.

I carefully took the little bouquet and breathed deeply. "This is aromatherapy," I said.

"Yes, it is!"

"And it reminds me of how much you love me and how much God loves me."

"I just want you to be happy," Ana said.

"Oh, I am. I am. I am so happy right now."

She hugged me again and laughed aloud. "You've got to focus on being happy so you can get better."

"Yes, but it's hard," I said. "I focus to much on this..." I pointed at all the food strewn around my kitchen. "But I have to. I can't eat the things that make me sick. I've been so isolated here," I said. "I do need to focus on things that make me happy."

"Yes!"

"You have to remind me," I said. "I can't remember things right now. When you're at work you can send me texts."

"I will," she said. "You have to do little things for yourself to make yourself happy."

I sniffed the roses again.

"You can put them in your room so Arwen won't eat them."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. Arwen ate Juan's roses, remember?"

She laughed. "Yes, she did."

"I'll keep them in my room, and I can look at them and smell them there."

"You need to focus on being grateful," Ana added.

"Oh, I am. That's what my dietitian suggested. I've been making a gratitude list at bedtime every day. That's why I sleep so well. Last night I had the best sleep in years. Eight hours in a row!! You're going to be on the top of my list today."

"Yes, you need to focus on being happy and grateful."

"Not just at night, but at the start of the day, too," I interjected.

"And whenever you feel sad," Ana agreed. "Focus on being happy and grateful. My mom used to pray and thank God every day. I don't know how to pray, but I-"

"You know how to pray," I said. "God loves us so much. All you do is talk to him."

"Focus on being grateful," she repeated.

"I will," I promised, making a mental note to add a gratitude list to my morning routine and hoping that I would not forget that.

"Hey, can we pose for a selfie?" I asked. "This is going to be in my book for sure," I said.

"Oh, I don't know. I'm all sweaty from the gym."

"All of my selfies are ugly, trust me," I said. "You're going to look beautiful next to me."

"Okay," she said.

"Can you help me find my phone?" I asked. "It's part of this Hashimoto's thing [the brain fog]. I lose everything. Constantly. It drives me crazy."

We both scoured the kitchen to no avail.

"Did you bring your phone?"

"No, I didn't."

I thought back to my last blog entry and how I had emailed the photos from my phone while I was on the toilet. (Yes, I use my phone on the toilet. So do you. You just don't admit it.)

"Oh, I think it's in the bathroom," I said. Sure enough, there it was next to the sink. (Yes, I washed my hands. Of course!)

I then proceeded to take an ugly selfie of us both. [Out of respect for Ana, I am withholding that photo. You're welcome, dearest.]

"I can't see it," Ana said; I think she uses readers.

"You look great," I lied.

"I take selfies all the time now for my book, but I don't know how to do it," I said. "Selfies help me remember things, so it's great.... If Allyson were here she would know how."

"Let me try," she said. "I think people usually hold the phone out farther like this." She extended her arm high above us.

Her picture was a little better. She looked gorgeous but my nose still looked gargantuan. I guess that's because it really is gargantuan. Anyway, I hope you can see our joy.

That's Ana on the right. Aren't the flowers lovely? Like Ana.

I told her about a short message from Levi Lusko that I had just heard on the radio, right before she knocked.

"It was a message for me," I said. "Really specifically for me. It was about how when we lose so much, God always gives us something better."

"Yes, when you go through a hard time you can really appreciate the good things more," she said.

"That is true. And God loves us so much. He gave me you as a heart sister."

Ana hugged me again, squeezing me tighter.

"I love you, Sarah," she said, and she held me while I cried.

"God gave me you as a sister. Also, he gave me an Egyptian tax driver for a brother, a new Christian."

"Really?"

"Yes, and a Christian Uber driver from Rwanda [Africa]."

"Really?"

"Yes. The Egyptian man asked if he could hug me because I am his sister. And he did. He held me while I cried." Also he prayed for me, but I forgot to tell her that part.

"And the African man prayed for me in his car. He has only been in Texas for one month, and he barely speaks English."

"Really?"

"Well he's been in America for 8 years but he just moved to Texas a month ago. They are both my brothers."

"Wow!"

"So you see that even though I have lost so much in this battle with Hashimoto's, God is giving me new stuff, better stuff."

"Yes, he is! I love you so much, Sarah."

"Me too, sister."

"You look really beautiful in the selfie," I said when she was on the way out my door.

She grinned. "You think?"

"Oh yes, everyone who sees you always says you're gorgeous."

"They do?"

"Yes, like my roommate Kim." I gestured behind me to her bedroom. "The first time she saw you she sent me a text saying that you were so gorgeous."

Ana flushed with pleasure.

"It's true," I said.

"Stay in touch," Ana said. "And do things to make yourself happy."

I will. Oh, I will.

My life is like these roses. The thorns make the beauty all the sweeter when God gives me eyes to focus on it. I could barely see them through my happy tears.

Blessed Among Women

I'm sorry I've been such a stranger during perhaps the busiest season of my life (so far, anyway). I've missed you guys very much. This is going to be pretty random. I guess I'm out of practice.

Here's a bit of what I've been up to:

• Visiting my sister Amy, who had a massive stroke about two months ago. She is still half paralyzed, but she's working very hard at her recovery and is slowly making progress. She inspires me every time we're together because she has a child-like joy, and she positively overflows with laughter. Also, she's always so proud to introduce me as her sister, and her friends and therapists always say they've heard so much about me. She brags on her other siblings too. "My brother is coming tomorrow!" she says, with a radiant smile. Or, "I can't wait to see Emily and Paul."
• Minor renovations to my house that turned out to be much more time consuming and stressful (and costly) than I ever anticipated. I had three rooms and the ceilings painted in lovely shades of blue-gray, pale lavender, and some other delightful purple I don't know the word for. Lilac? Also I had my bathroom textured. And my bathroom cabinets painted. And I replaced the ugly laminate and all the carpet with gorgeous distressed honey bamboo. My dad, nephew Jacob, and dear brother-in-law Paul pulled off all the baseboards so I could get new ones installed. 
• Filling out application after application, tweaking my resume and cover letter, and monitoring the websites for all the surrounding districts for the teaching positions that are posted each day. I haven't had any interviews yet, but I made a couple of great contacts at a job fair last week. More on that later.
• Keeping up with my LEAP diet, which means carrying my own food everywhere any time I leave the house. That has gotten easier as I've been able to add more and more foods to my list, and also since I stopped recording all my food. I did that when Amy was really critical and I was at the hospital nearly every day.Thanks to God and my dietitian, I'm in much better health than I was this time last year.
• Running Allyson to soccer practice, soccer games, and soccer activities. She was supposed to be switching teams, but she doesn't want to decide between the new team and the old team. So right now she's doing both. At least she's getting her exercise. And I'm getting out in the sun and having an excuse to do nothing for an hour while she practices. 

Whew! 

God has been so good to me through all of this. Ever since Amy's stroke, my priorities have shifted. I realize that people are so much more important than things, and I keep my eyes open every day for the blessings all around me. Let me share just a few of those blessings.

A Walk in the Park

The other morning I went home through the park after I'd walked Allyson to school. It was my first walk of the season, and I'd forgotten the sheer joy of those paths. As I inhaled the scent of damp moss and honeysuckle, I felt all my earthly concerns drifting away. Next, I rounded a corner to find two birds circling each other against the backdrop of a brilliant blue sky, alternately swooping low and soaring high. In that moment, I felt incredibly... alive. I felt like a tiny piece of God's majestic creation, so insignificant and yet an essential part of the big picture. In that moment I could feel my connection to everything else in this universe that sings His praises. My heart sang along. 

The Best Birthday Yet

This year we celebrated my birthday at the rehab hospital where Amy was staying. Mom brought homemade ice cream, which was the first ice cream of any sort that I'd had since last summer. I wish I had words to describe how it felt and tasted on my tongue. But the joy of having all my family around me was sweeter still. We'd come so close to losing Amy just a month before. I'm sure I wasn't the only one with tears in my eyes while everyone sang Happy Birthday. 

Me, Emily, Amy, Melody, Rick

After the party, Allyson and I went to Mom's house. Melody's son Greg and his wife Jessica made dinner for the family. I thought I'd have to eat scrambled eggs since I'd forgotten to bring food and their meal had garlic, but Greg improvised a separate but equal meal for me. I was so touched by his kindness!

The next day, my actual birthday, Allyson and I made a strawberry cake from freshly ground sprouted wheat and iced it with cottage cheese maple frosting. My friend Kim and her family came from down the street to sing me Happy Birthday, and they brought me a beautiful bouquet which has made me feel so loved for two weeks now. 

Kitchen after making cake... Allyson wouldn't let me clean it on my birthday.
But neither did she!

We packed up the rest of the cake and headed to Rick's house, where the rest of the family had gathered to spend a bit more family time. While they had pizza, I ate the rest of my delicious chicken and pasta from Greg. And then we all had some cake. The cake carrier had slid off Allyson's seat just as we pulled up to Rick's house, so the cake didn't look so pretty, but it tasted pretty wonderful! Cake is a big treat for me these days.

One more thing happened on my birthday that felt like a bizarre little gift from God. My very cheap painter, Rico, hadn't had time to paint the bathroom cabinets two weeks before, and I'd been trying to reach him ever since to arrange it. He's so cheap and so good that he is booked at least a month out, and he rarely returns calls. I would've just given up on the idea because my old cabinets looked fine with the new color, but I had put several paint samples on the cabinets and they looked awful. On my birthday morning, I prayed about it. "Could you please help me reach Rico? Please, God."

About two minutes later, as I set my breakfast dishes in the sink, I saw a white van across the street. A ladder hung across the side closest to me. Hey, wasn't that... Yes, there was Rico's young assistant in my friend Ana's yard.

I tucked my nightgown into my sweat pants, zipped up my windbreaker, and slipped into some shower thongs, then rushed across the street to corner Rico in the yard just before he reached Ana's front door.

I was fairly sure he'd been avoiding me, maybe because my project turned out to be so much bigger than initially planned. But I grinned widely. "Hi!" I said. "Remember my bathroom cabinets? Do you think you could-"

"I paint them today?" he asked.

"Absolutely. Yes, whenever you're ready," I said.

I ran back across the street and washed and dried those cabinets, just in time for Rico to prime them in between coats on Ana's kitchen.

By early afternoon, I had lovely new cabinets. Happy birthday to me!

Wisdom From the Mouths of Babes
Last Monday, Allyson and I went shopping for my job fair outfit. We spent an entire evening and didn't find anything we really liked. Even though we were both horribly frustrated, we still had some great conversation. I confessed that the impending job fair had brought on a few momentary bouts of panic as I once again wondered whether I'd really heard God correctly about leaving my great job to go back to the classroom.

Allyson replied, "Mommy, you know that whatever happens, even if you are making a mistake, God will use it for your good. Because He always works for good for those who love Him."

"Yes, you're right, baby."

"Also, you've been praying for God's will, so I'm sure He will tell you somehow if it is not His will. Or He will block you from getting a job."

"Yes, that's true," I said, grinning ear to ear.

"God will always be with you wherever you go, and I know you will make a big impact on some children," she concluded.

That evening, I left a sink full of dishes to spend some much needed time in my prayer closet. "Oh, Father," I breathed. "I know you won't leave me wandering around in the dark. You're not that kind of a father. You always lead me, and you never forsake me."

For ten sweet minutes, I praised God for the wonderful plans I know He has for me. I told Him I only want what He wants for me, and I don't have to know what's coming because I know His plans for me are always better than what I could think up for myself. I look forward to telling you the story as it unfolds.

Torture at the Job Fair
The job fair was a very positive experience, and I learned a lot from talking with several principals. One even told me how to rearrange my resume and make it more concise so that principals may actually read it. I followed her advice promptly, and if I end up getting a job, I believe it will be due to that divine appointment.

That morning got off to a rather rough start, though. I'd bought a pair of dress pants that were really long, so I had to wear heels even though I knew I'd be on my feet for hours. Well, I didn't even make it out of the parking lot before I had charlie horses in my toes. There were thousands of applicants, and I had to park about a third of a mile out, up a big hill. All my weight bore down on my poor toes as I hobbled down that hill, being passed by absolutely everybody. I felt so ridiculous, but so fashionable!

Night Before the Big Day-See Pretty Boots

I stopped in a crowded bathroom, sank onto a toilet, and removed my left shoe. What a horrible idea! Two of my toes immediately contorted into a violent spasm, and I had to stifle my shriek of pain lest someone think I was having severe digestive issues. At first I feared I'd never get those misshapen toes back into my shoe. I rubbed and rubbed the sole of my foot, and finally I was able to cram my foot back into its prison, like one of Cinderella's ugly stepsisters forcing on a dainty glass slipper.

So the whole time I was talking to principals and HR representatives about my many qualifications, I had to tune out the indignant howls of my tortured feet. I plastered a smile on my face and tried to walk with some semblance of grace. After three hours, I managed to totter back up the hill to my car, where I promptly took off my shoes and socks and promised my feet I'd never wear heels again.

One More Walk in the Park
Tonight I had a free evening, and I'd planned to try the mid-week service at a new church I love, but I really felt too exhausted to go out, and there was no time to figure out what to make for dinner. I'd planned to have garbanzo beans, but when I put them out to soak last night, I accidentally turned on the Crock-Pot, so this morning I found them burned to a crisp.

"What should I do tonight, God?" I asked.

"Go for a walk," He said.

I put on my Five-Finger shoes, grabbed a zucchini muffin, and headed out. It was every bit as lovely as the walk I described earlier, and I had a wonderful chat with God. It had been a somewhat disheartening day at work, but my troubles floated away on the gentle breeze.

On my way back, I ran into my good friend Nosheen and her three small children. I turned around and walked the same path I'd just traversed, talking with her all the while. She was looking pretty frazzled because her husband was out of town, and her toddler had woken her at 2 a.m. At intervals, the toddler and the two-month-old screamed out the frustration that Nosheen surely felt. But she just smiled grimly and kissed their sweaty cheeks. "Ush-ush," she murmured.

I gave her a hug when we arrived at her house. "I asked God what to do tonight, and He told me to go for a walk. I think He wanted me to spend time with you," I said.

She grinned. "Yes, I am glad we got to talk," she said.

Just as I was thanking God for such a lovely surprise, I spotted sweet Kim, who'd given me the birthday flowers. Her daughter Claire shouted, "It's Sa-rah!" as she ran down the sidewalk toward me. Kim opened a double camp chair in her driveway, and we sat and talked into the twilight.

Back at home, I had a meal fit for a princess: two eggs fried in avocado oil and toaster-oven-roasted bell peppers. Surely I am blessed among women!

Flip Or Flop

In my last entry, I shared my struggles with anxiety over recently diagnosed food allergies. I'm happy to report that I am in much better spirits. I haven't only let go of the worry and frustration, but I've actually even started to have fun trying new things. As always, the stories have been stacking up in my head, so I thought I'd take the time to share a few of them.

One of my favorite things to cook is pancakes. I have nearly a dozen favorite recipes, most including yummy fruits and even vegetables. I love apple pancakes, strawberry pancakes, peach pancakes, banana pancakes, pumpkin pancakes, and especially blueberry chocolate chip pancakes. 

When I started my rotation diet several weeks ago, pancakes were one of the foods I grieved for the most. I'd gone off gluten grains (wheat, barley, etc.) and other similar grains (spelt, Kamut, etc). I was able to eat buckwheat and rice, but on their respective days, there weren't enough other ingredients to make pancakes -- or so I thought, until I found The Ultimate Food Allergy Cookbook and Survival Guide. From this book, I learned that you can make quick breads even without baking powder and eggs! All you need is baking soda and some form of acid for leavening, such as vinegar, lemon, or rhubarb concentrate. (Baking soda, like salt, is non-reactive.)

Since I could only have vinegar every four days and I wasn't allowed to have lemon, I ran to the store for some rhubarb, which happened to be in season. I boiled the heck out of it and then strained the liquid, which I froze by the tablespoonful in an ice cube tray. Lo and behold, the results were glorious! Or maybe just edible.