Life in Death - Part 1 of 3

This is the first in a series of three entries about my father's last few days. At the time of this writing, Friday 8/2, I did not know that he was going to die. 

I have to warn you that these entries will be painful to read, as they were to write, but there is beauty in this story. Although Dad was 93 years old and had faced many health issues, his passing still took us by surprise. I think that we don't talk about death enough, probably because we don't like to think about our own mortality. If you choose to read about Dad's courageous battle, I and my family will be honored. 

On the morning of Wednesday, July 31, my father woke up with chest pain, pain in his right arm, and severe nausea. After consulting with my brother Rick and me, Mom called his doctor and then headed to the emergency room. 

Within a few hours, he was diagnosed with an ischemic heart attack. We learned that he had a blood clot in his heart, and his heart function was at 30 percent (50 percent is normal). At that point, he was in stable condition but feeling terrible due to the nausea. However, the medications he received made him much more comfortable by that evening, and it seemed that the heart attack might have been a mild one. They started him on IV heparin to clear the clot, and we settled in to wait for the results of his cardiology consult. 

I wanted to be with Dad, but my sister Amy was staying with me, and I couldn't leave her alone. It would have been difficult to take her with me, and only two people were allowed in the E.R. room, so we said a prayer for him and went to bed, thankful that the attack had been mild and that Rick could stay with him through the evening.

Dad Looks So Strong in this Photo Taken by Rick at 9:05 p.m. on Day 1 of Hospitalization

Tough Decisions

The next morning while I was preparing breakfast, my phone rang. 

"Are you the daughter of Richard D-?" asked a heavily accented, male voice.

Un Tipo Diferente de Aventura / A Different Kind of Adventure

EN ESPAÑOL ABAJO...

[This is not your typical travelogue, but an important part of my story in Costa Rica. For this bilingual series, I compose the story in Spanish and then translate into English so that we can see my progress in learning the language. (By the way, I'm back home now. It was a difficult adjustment.) Disclaimer: All grammar errors in the dialogue are my responsibility.]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION FOLLOWS.

[Todos errores gramatical en el diágolo son mios.]

¿Se preguntaba sobre que pasó con Walter? Me preguntaba tambien; pensaba sobre esto mucho. 

El domingo siguiente mi tour de su campo, Zeidy y yo debíamos tener una cita en su casa. Recordé el consejo de mi amiga Kim el día antes mi viaje: “Pinta sus uñas. Quizás tú vas a conocer al amor de su vida.”

“No tengo tiempo,” he contestado. 

“Si conoces a un hombre guapo, vas a desear que había pintado sus uñas.”

Decidí que corro el riesgo.

More Like a Screw Driver

I appreciate everyone's prayers and support in regards to my needle biopsy today. I had a bit of nerves in the morning, but by the time I got there I felt remarkably calm--and oddly detached as I took in all the details of this most bizarre experience.

A One Hundred Percent Chance

So I'm going to tell you something that I think might go against the rules of etiquette, though I don't know why that should be the case. If this is in poor taste or inconsiderate, please forgive me. I don't want to cause you concern, but I do need to share my heart with you. Here goes...

Tomorrow I go for a needle biopsy of an abnormality in my breast. When I was called back after a recent screening mammogram, I was only a little concerned. I'd been called back after my first one six years previously, and all had been well. Like many of the women on my mom's side of the family, I have very dense, lumpy breast tissue, so it's not uncommon to have problems with mammography.

Still, I was pretty nervous when I went on December 8 for my diagnostic bilateral (two-sided) mammogram. Everyone at the center was exceptionally kind, which gave me great comfort. After a very thorough, somewhat uncomfortable exam, the technician told me I needed to wait for the radiologist to review my images in case he might want more views.

As I waited, I sort of prayed with my whole being, not with my thoughts, but rather with a leaning in toward my Father. When I felt my palms getting sweaty, I thought, "Quiet me with your love. I trust you. I trust you."

Alive in His Hand

There's no easy way to say this. Bill and I are separated. I didn't choose this path, and I don't want to walk it, but I have to believe God has a purpose for me that I don't understand right now. It'll be a week tomorrow, and up until last night I was taking it pretty well.

Over the last six months, and again in the last few days, God has led me to these verses, which give me great comfort:

• And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. (1 Peter 5:10)

• I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)

• Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Over the last week, I have definitely had the peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7). I have a lot of wonderful people who are loving me and taking care of me and my family. Many of them have told me, "You are so strong, Sarah."

I let myself believe I was strong, and maybe I even patted myself on the back now and then. 'Round about bedtime last night, though, I realized the truth. I am NOT strong. Not at all. I am absolutely weak. But that's a good place to be. For when I am weak, then He's strong. To quote a favorite song, I'm empty handed but alive in His hand. And that's a start.

Please pray for all four of us. Pray that God continues to make his comfort real to me, that I feel his unfailing love even now when the pain is so strong it takes my breath away. Pray that I will have strength and wisdom and love to walk with my children down this hard road. Above all, pray for God's mercy on us.

Please Pray for Dad

After three days in the hospital, my dad had emergency surgery last night for a bowel obstruction. He was supposed to have a second surgery today to reattach the cut sections of his small intestine, but his blood pressure was too low.

Here are the details that I've posted on Dad's blog:

8/14/12:

Dad was in surgery for only about an hour and had a successful result, so far. They resected two segments of bowel, one which was kinked and dead, and another which had adhered to his abdominal wall. Both were due to scar tissue from his previous gallbladder surgery. The dead section perforated when they touched it, but no damage was done. The doctor told us if they had waited until tomorrow as originally planned, it might have perforated and caused systemic infection. So we are very thankful.

He came through the surgery quite well considering how sick he is. His blood pressure was good. The doctor remarked that, given how sick he is, it's a wonder he was able to sit in the hospital bed for three days.

They didn't close the incision yet because they need to watch his small intestine. There was a large section that they were very concerned about at the beginning of the surgery, but once they untwisted the kinked section, it started looking better. If they don't find any other diseased sections in his small intestine tomorrow, they will do surgery in the afternoon to reconnect his bowel.

In the meantime, he is on a respirator and they are keeping him sedated so he won't get agitated. They plan to take him off the respirator in the morning, briefly, so his lungs won't get used to not breathing.

Please pray for his heart and lungs to stay strong and pray against infection, which is the biggest danger. And pray for a successful surgery tomorrow afternoon. After that he will likely be in the ICU for at least a week and will remain in the hospital until he is able to eat again.

This could be a very difficult recovery for him, so please pray that Dad's spirits remain good.

Thank you.

8/15/12:

Dad was doing much better today, off the ventilator and intermittently awake and alert. He smiled and squeezed our hands and wrote notes on a tablet. He was unable to speak because he still has a breathing tube.

They were not able to perform the second operation today because his blood pressure was too low. For that reason, they reduced his sedation to help bring it up and also are giving him medication to increase his blood pressure. 

His doctor told us they will have to operate in tomorrow regardless. They will be able to reattach his bowel under three conditions:

1) They don't find any more dead tissue to remove.

2) His blood pressure is high enough.

3) He is off the BP med or on a very low dose. This is because the medication is a pressor, which restricts his blood vessels. In order for the bowels to reconnect and heal properly, they will need good perfusion (blood flow).

If they have to keep him on a higher dose of medication, or if they have to resect more bowel, they will not reattach it but will create up to three ostomies. This means they will pull the detached bowel sections up to the surface of his abdomen and he will no longer have normal bowel function. This would be a permanent arrangement as it would be too dangerous to perform surgery again later. 

So please continue to pray for dad:

-protection from infection

-blood pressure to come to a safe level

-relief from pain

-a successful surgery

We are not clear on the time of his surgery tomorrow, most likely mid afternoon. Thank you for your love and support!

Mom and Dad at one of Dad's Favorite Places - Nov 2011

An Angel Named Matthew

I'm sorry I've been so quiet. It's been a busy, busy couple of weeks. I have many stories to tell, and hopefully I will get to the best ones, but here's the one that's been burning in my heart for over a week now....

A week to the day after God hung a rainbow over my friend Laura's house, I had another opportunity to see her, this time five hours away in Houston. I was visiting my cousin Chris in a different hospital just three blocks from Laura.

After I'd programmed in the main address and set my navigator to walking mode, my sister Amy and I set off in the cool of the evening. As we walked, I thought about the comfort that came with the rainbow, the way God filled me up so I could share His love with Laura. Are you going to give me another sign this time? I asked. I looked up at the clear blue sky: no chance of a rainbow here. I could sure use a sign tonight, I thought.

After only a block, we saw a hospital bearing the name we were looking for, but the navigator said we had a quarter mile to go still, so we kept walking. After another block, we saw yet another hospital with the same name, but this one seemed to be on the wrong street. And the navigator said we needed to go one more block down and then turn right.

We stood paralyzed on a corner, looking back and forth between the two buildings and the navigator. We didn't have time for a wrong turn because we'd be meeting our family in under an hour.

Suddenly, I noticed a young man on my left. "What are you ladies looking for?" he asked.

I studied him for just a moment before answering. He was a short, blonde man who appeared to be in his early to mid twenties, and he wore a name badge on a lanyard around his neck. He carried a fast food bag under one arm and a large soda in each hand. Deciding he looked harmless enough, I told him the name of the hospital and showed him the address I'd scribbled on a scrap of paper.

"What room is she in?" he asked.

"G1249," I answered.

"I know exactly where that is," he said. He started to give us directions, but he wasn't able to point due to the drinks. "I'll just take you there," he said.

Thank you, God! I thought. You sure sent the right person along.

"God sure knew who to send to guide you on your way, didn't he?" the young man asked.

I gasped. "I was just thinking exactly the same thing!"

As we followed him across the street to the second building we'd spotted (the one I thought was on the wrong street), he chatted with us as if we were friends. I was struck by his utter lack of self-consciousness, and by his simple manner, befitting a country boy.

"There are over 2 million square feet in these buildings, and I know pretty much all of them," he said. "I work in inventory."

He led us past security, where he had to flip over his badge for the guard. I noted then that his name was Matthew. From there, he took us to an elevator, and I was ashamed that I let him press the call button with his elbow. We rode halfway up before he realized this was the wrong elevator.

"I'm sorry," he said, pressing the button for the main floor. "It gets confusing."

"No problem!" we said. I asked him if he was sure he had time to show us around, and he assured me he had nothing better to do--though surely we must have been cutting into his lunch hour!

On the way back down, I said something about him being a blessing to us. "I'm Sarah, and this is my sister Amy," I said.

He turned to face Amy and announced, in a voice that was almost formal, "Amy means 'beloved of God.'"

"Yes, it does," Amy agreed. "That's why my mother chose that name."

"What does Matthew mean?" I asked.

"God's gift," he answered without hesitation.

I stared at this young man through the corner of my eye. Why would he know the meaning of my sister's name? Why would he take the time to lead two strangers to the 12th floor?

As we walked to another bank of elevators across the building, I couldn't resist voicing my thoughts. "I think you really are a messenger." Matthew smiled and punched the call button with the tip of his middle finger. Darn it! 

When we reached our floor, he led us down the hall and around the corner. "Just go to the end of this hall and the room will be to your left," he said.

"Thank you so much!" we said. "God bless you," I called after him. He disappeared around the corner, but the sense of calm I felt in his presence stayed with me.

When I saw Laura, I told her about my latest sign. "I think I just saw an angel," I joked. "His name was Matthew, and he was carrying fast food."

We stayed with her for about 30 minutes, mainly visiting with her father and her college friend Angelica, who was visiting from Lubbock. When Laura's mother Blanca arrived, she asked if we would like to pray. "Yes!" I said.

Laura's parents knelt on the floor and laid their hands on her knees. Amy and I stood on the other side of the bed and touched her arm and leg. Angelica stood across from us at her head. I took a deep breath and prayed for angels to surround Laura and minister to her, to wrap her in peace and love and give her rest. I prayed for healing, and I prayed my beloved Psalm 139 over her.

When I said amen, Amy took up where I'd left off. She prayed for Laura's son Samuel. Then, making the sign of the cross over Laura, Angelica prayed for the saints and angels to watch over her.

Blanca prayed last, all in Spanish. I caught very few words (like Lord and health), but I was very moved. It was as if my spirit could hear the Holy Spirit in her because the words didn't get in the way, sort of like a time when I heard Josh Groban singing in Latin and was moved to tears because his voice was an exquisite instrument.

My tears dropped onto Laura's blanket as I prayed in full agreement with her mother. When she said amen, we all stood in silence for a few moments, savoring God's presence. And then it was time to give Laura a hug and say goodbye.

When I hugged her parents, each told me the same thing: "You are an angel to Laura, and to our family."

I got to see Laura again the next morning, got to hold her hand and quote scriptures and tell her how God takes great delight in her, how He rejoices over her with singing and quiets her with his love. (Zephaniah 3:17)

It wasn't until I collapsed into bed that evening, after driving for hours, that I thought of Matthew again. On the edge of sleep, I felt a grin spreading over my face as I exulted in the way God had lavished his love upon me, giving me assurance that he was guiding us.  God, was he an angel? He really was. Wasn't he?

When I told the whole story to my friend Gentle the next morning, she gasped. "You know how Laura calls you her angel, and you always say you're not an angel?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Well, when I knew you were going to see her, I prayed that God would show you how you really can be an angel to her."

I heard the excitement in her voice and felt the wonder myself. "So that's why God sent Matthew!" I said. "Maybe he wasn't really an angel, but he was an angel to me. God answered your prayer, Gentle!"

Gentle and Laura on Our Girls' Night a Few Months Back

But I still can't shake the conviction that Matthew was a real angel. I talked it over with Amy this weekend. "Did you feel it too?"

"There was something in the way he told me the meaning of my name," she agreed. "It was almost like he was delivering a message. I do believe we each have angels."

"Maybe he was YOUR angel!" I said.

I guess we'll never know until we get to heaven.

Have you ever seen an angel, or suspected that you did? Do you know anyone who's seen an angel?

His Banner Over Her

On Sunday I got the call I'd been waiting a couple of weeks for: my friend Laura's husband Ray called and said she was able to have company. "Oh God, thank you," was my first thought. My second was, "How will I know what to say, and when to be silent?"

Even in the midst of all my prayers, I'd worked myself into an anxiety attack by the time I was driving to her house. The rain and lightning only added to my unease. "Don't be anxious about anything... pray about everything," I reminded myself over and over. But my chest was tight, and I could feel my heart racing.

As the darkness lifted and the rain slowed to an occasional splatter, I looked to my left at a most peculiar sunset. The sky was split in two: on the left was a wall of black clouds, and on the right were the muted colors of the sunset, though the sun was not visible. It looked like God was pulling back a curtain and giving me a glimpse of His beauty.

"Thank you," I whispered, taking in a few deep, calming breaths. And then I looked to my right and saw a rainbow--right in the middle of all the dark clouds! It was magnificent, so bright against the dark canvas.It was only half a bow, but the tallest I'd ever seen.

A Different Rainbow... But Similar

I kept watching the rainbow all the way to Laura's house. Just before I arrived, it transformed into something I'd never seen before. On the left side was the rainbow, still only half a bow and almost completely vertical. To the right extended a triangle of golden, orange light. I wondered where that light could be coming from since the surrounding clouds were still almost black. I concluded that it must have been a reflection off the sunset on the opposite horizon.

It's like a pennant, a banner, I thought. Immediately a verse went through my mind: "His banner over me is love." (Song of Solomon 2:4) And then I realized that, from my perspective, that banner was unfurled over Laura's house! When I glanced at the clock and saw 8:11 a thrill passed through me. (You may recall that 11 is her special number, that she finds comfort somehow in 11s.)

Climbing out of the car into the light rain, I realized that my anxiety had completely evaporated. In its place was an excitement to share this experience with Laura. Like me, she sees signs everywhere, and I knew this would encourage her.

Ray led me up the stairs to her room, where her parents, aunts, sister, and cousin had gathered around her bed. I glanced at the people, mostly strangers, and then shut them all out of my mind as I wrapped my arms around Laura and delivered my message.

I described the rainbow and the banner of light. I heard her sharp intake of breath when I mentioned seeing the 11. "It's like there's a banner of God's love right over your house," I concluded. "Laura, He loves you so much."

She thanked me for telling her the story. "I can see it, just as you described," she said. "I needed to hear that."

Recent Picture of Laura

And then we all laid a hand on her and prayed together, over the sound of  the heavy rain that now beat against the roof. I thanked God for the assurance of his love right in the middle of this storm. And I prayed Psalm 23 over her. Even though that is not one of the passages I have committed to memory, the words just flowed off my tongue. "We thank you that you are Laura's shepherd. She shall not want for anything.... Even in the valley of the shadow of death, she will fear no evil, for you are with her.... You anoint Laura's head with oil. Her cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow her all the days of her life, and she will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

When we said amen, I looked around and found that many of us were crying. But they were happy tears. I wish I could describe the way it felt, the way God's love was palpable in that room, binding us all together. I watched as her aunts and cousin took their leave, holding her close and whispering encouraging words that I couldn't understand because I don't speak Spanish.

"I don't know what you were saying," I told her cousin, "but I could understand the love you have for her. It's beautiful."

I'm so thankful God gave me this gift. It's like He pulled back the curtain and let us all glimpse his beauty for a moment.

Please continue to pray for Laura and her family.  I know that with God, all things are possible. I pray that she overflows with hope through the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

Please Pray For Laura

Yesterday Laura received some discouraging test results. Please pray for her healing, and pray that God helps her feel His presence and His comfort today. Pray that her faith is strengthened, along with her body.

Thank you!

Update 4/13/11 11:56 AM: Please visit my friend Gentle's blog for a suggested prayer you can pray for Laura.

Click here

Please take a moment to read the encouraging scriptures God gave Gentle as she prayed for Laura this morning. We are so thankful for your prayers.

Please Help Me Like My Brush Step!

Ever since Allyson said a prayer on her own for the first time--the time she prayed for her lost puppy Allum--she's developed quite an eagerness about praying. She wants to say all the dinner prayers, much to Ethan's dismay since she's rather long winded. She wants to say her own bedtime prayers, too, though she still wants me to pray afterward.

She both amuses and inspires me with her requests. About a week ago, the night before her third ballet and tap lesson, Allyson surprised me by praying about her brush step. Instead of asking God to help her master the step, which is what seemed logical to me, she said, "Please help me like my brush step!"

She had been very frustrated with this step, in which she is supposed to lightly brush her foot in an arc from front to back. Her first efforts were hilarious; all she did was stamp her foot as if she was trying to crush a cockroach. When I tried to get her to practice at home, she wanted nothing to do with it.

Allyson with Allum, Ballet Slippers, and Tap Shoes

So when she prayed about the brush step, I couldn't resist suggesting, "You know, Allyson, you could also practice your brush step. I'm sure Jesus will help you with it, but you can do your part by practicing."

"No," she replied, cheerfully oblivious to my bossing. "Some people practice and some people just pray for Jesus to help them."

"Mmm-hmm.... Well, good night," I said.

At class the next afternoon, I began to wonder whether she was onto something. I couldn't believe the improvement in her brush step. What was most impressive, though, was the fact that she was clearly enjoying herself!

I've decided that I can learn from her example. Maybe when I struggle with deadlines at work, I should stop asking God to help me get the work done and start asking him to help me LIKE the work. If I enjoy what I'm doing, I'm bound to do it with passion and enthusiasm, and I bet I'll also stay more focused instead of wallowing in boredom as I so often do. I can't wait to try it out!

A Welcome Interruption
Another area where Allyson is growing is in her love of scripture. A couple of times recently, she woke up early and interrupted my quiet time. For some reason, instead of putting away my Bible and setting aside my prayers for later, I decided to include her. Using a sheet I got at Bible study, I was praying Psalm 139 over each of my family members, and I invited her to pray with me. "Oh Lord, you have searched Daddy and you know him," we prayed. "You know when he sits down and when he rises. You know his thoughts when he travels and when he rests at home...."

I expected her to lose interest since it's a rather long psalm, but she loved it. "Let's do Ethan," she said, and then, "Let's pray for you, too, Mommy." The fourth time, we prayed the psalm over her.

Off and on since that morning, she's requested "the Bible study prayer" at bedtime. It takes a long time to pray Psalm 139 four times!

One morning this week, Allyson woke early again, and I immediately invited her to share my quiet time. As I practiced my memory passages on the couch, she snuggled against me under a fluffy blanket and listened intently. When I got to Psalm 139--in a slightly different translation than the one we had prayed--she yelled, "Hey! That's our Bible study prayer!" She obviously felt the same excitement that I feel each time I run across one of my special passages.

After I finished all the passages, I set the little business cards on the desk and went to my room to get dressed. A couple of minutes later, I found Allyson in front of the desk muttering to herself. Moving closer, I saw that she was flipping through my memory cards as if she were reading them. I realized with a start that she was quoting Psalm 139--quite accurately! "If we go up to heaven, you are there," she said. "If we go down to the grave, you are there.... You have laid your hand on us."

"Hey, you're quoting our Bible study psalm!" I said, utterly thrilled. "That's wonderful, Allyson."

I'm so excited to see my little girl growing into a woman of God! And I'm so thankful that God woke her up so she could "interrupt" my quiet time.

Dad's Surgery Is Tomorrow

Dad's surgery is scheduled for around 8:30 tomorrow morning. It should last about 8-10 hours. Please pray for God to guide the three surgeons' hands, for Dad's safety, and for our family's peace while we wait.

Thank you!

Dad's Surgery--Please Pray

In April, an endoscopy revealed the second cancerous nodule in my dad's esophagus. That growth was removed, but there is a very high risk of recurrence, and his esophagus is too fragile to undergo additional laser procedures. Despite his advanced age (78), his doctors believe his best chance of long-term survival is an esophagectomy. This Thursday, they'll remove his entire esophagus and pull the stomach up in its place.

We had a family meeting yesterday to discuss plans for his surgery and recovery period, and we invited Dad to express his concerns. This is a very dangerous surgery, and the recovery will be long and arduous, but Dad is facing it with quiet determination. His only fear is what will become of Mom if he should pass away. They live mainly off his Social Security checks, and he's worried about how she'd survive on her own. When we assured him that we will always take care of Mom's needs, tears filled his eyes.

My brother Rick reached out to pat his knee and said he knew Dad was making the right decision, and that he was confident Dad would come through the surgery safely. Emily's husband Paul reminded him of how he'd surprised the doctors with his quick recovery after his recent gallbladder surgery. I told him he was a tough old bird, and he'd be fine.

We wrapped up our talk with multiple servings of Mom's irresistible homemade ice cream topped with the richest hot fudge imaginable--my Aunt Carol's recipe.

Saying goodbye was difficult because I won't see Dad again until he's admitted to the hospital. I'd planned to visit today, but Ethan had apparently contracted the flu, and I knew he'd be home from school.

Allyson and I have missed our visits recently. Mom and Dad have been busy with doctors' appointments, and I've been busy with... everything. Now it will be a couple of months before we can resume our weekly lunches.

Anyway, we exchanged hugs all around, squeezing perhaps a little more tightly than usual. We'll all be together again on Thursday, probably for many hours.

In the coming weeks, please pray for Dad whenever God lays him on your heart. Pray for his health and his peace. Pray for our family to be able to give him and Mom the support they will need. And pray that God will protect Mom when she's making the 50-mile round trip to the hospital each day; she will likely be exhausted, and the Dallas traffic is intimidating for her.

If you wish, you can follow my dad's progress here:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/richarddunlap

Thank you!

Sarah Louise

Please Continue to Pray For Aidan's Family

Remember when I asked you to pray for Aidan and then had to let you know that he had passed away? I've never met his family, only knew of them through my friend Michelle. Well, I feel like I know Aidan's mother now, and my heart goes out to her.

She left this comment on my post about his death:

Hi, I'm Aidan's Mom, Regina (Regi). I can't thank you enough for praying for my son. I [was believing for] a full recovery, and now that he is gone, my faith is shaken. I actually sat down at my computer and googled, "Is there really a heaven? I hope there is because my Aidan would be there truly believed that he would make it" and this blog popped up. Can you believe that!? I am actually turning to Google for answers! Aidan died one month ago today, and I miss him so much and can't believe I have to live my entire life without him. Please keep praying for me and my family. My heart is broken, I've never felt such pain, and I am lost without him. I keep praying for a sign that he is in heaven and can hear me when I talk to him. It wouldn't make me miss him less, but it would give me some peace knowing that he is happy and will always be with me. Love, Regi

So please pray for Regi and her family. Please pray that God will comfort Regi and give her an unmistakable sign of his love for her. Pray that she will sense that Jesus is right there with her, weeping with her and giving her hope that she will indeed be with him in heaven.

If God gives you a word of comfort for Regi, please post a comment on this entry--or if you are reading this through email, send me a reply and I will post it for you.

Thank you.

Please Pray for My Niece, Who Ran Away

My 12-year-old niece, Hillary, apparently ran away during the night last night, possibly on bicycle. The police and her parents are looking for her now.

Please pray for her safety wherever she is now, and that God would bring her to someone's attention. Also pray that God would reach out to her now and let her realize she needs him and he loves her.

Aidan is With Our God

A couple of days ago I asked you to pray for Aidan. Thank you for your prayers. Today I need to ask you to pray for Aidan's family. He passed away yesterday, and I can only imagine what his parents must be experiencing.

Here is the update that Aidan's grandfather sent out last night:

This is Regi’s Dad, I will proudly and forever be called “Poppy” as this is what Aidan named me. My sweet Regina asked me to get something on the website tonight for her and Josh. This will be short; I know they will be reaching out to you soon.

Aidan is with our God, healed and whole, at peace and happy. Aidan fought harder than anyone thought possible or would have ever asked of him. He did not suffer which cannot be said for those of us who love him deeply and were with him. When he breathed his last, he was in his Mommy and Daddy’s arms and surrounded by his family. In the end, it was the swine flu and not the leukemia that took our Aidan from us.

Regi and Josh would certainly want me to thank you all for the outpouring of support, encouragement and prayers. These have and will continue to sustain us all through this terrible nightmare. PLEASE continue to pray for Regi, Josh and Ava as well as for the rest of us as we have many difficult days ahead.

God Bless You all.

Love,

Poppy

Aidan's Hope

Here is one more child who desperately needs your prayers. Five-year-old Aidan was recently diagnosed with leukemia, but the biggest danger right now is lung damage from a severe bout of swine flu.

Please pray for Aidan as soon as you see this post. His father said tonight, "Aidan's only chance is a miracle. Please pray that he gets just that. Jesus is the ultimate physician, and he can heal my son. Please pray that it's his will."

Aidan is a relative of my friend Michelle, who sent the following email earlier tonight. Note the video link at the bottom.

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to share a story with all of you as a way to illustrate the power of prayer and the amazing ways God works through all of us.

In sending updates each week you never know who really has or takes the time to pray in the midst of busy schedules or dealing with their own life issues that can be so consuming. I was so inspired last night to learn that Bobbie, one of the sweetest ladies in my bible study who has been praying for Aiden had shared the emails with her son in Portland, Or. He was so touched by Aiden's story that he put this Amazing video together and posted it on Aiden's blog. This video meant so much to Regi and Josh and has touched so many people's hearts that have seen it that I wanted to share it with all of you.

I know God has laid all of you on my heart to send these updates to for whatever reason. Whether you don't know God, have chosen not to believe in Him, are undecided, or maybe you have just lost your Faith please have comfort knowing that He loves you and will never give up on you. Aiden's story is just one way that He can reveal His love to all of you and to give you hope in whatever it is you might be going through in your own lives.

"Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4

Here is the link for the video. It's awesome but you might need your Kleenex!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d57YNGZDaRk You can click on this and see the Video.

Love in Christ,

Michelle

Josh, Luke, and Kate

Here are three children I've been praying for:

Joshua

Luke

Kate

Luke and Kate have malignant brain tumors. Joshua has brain damage from loss of oxygen due to an adverse reaction to medication.

This morning I read an update from Josh's grandmother, who requested that a letter she had previously circulated through email be sent out again. She's hoping to harness the power of the Internet so that thousands and thousands of people will be praying for Josh. The text of her letter is included at the bottom of this post in case you feel drawn to his plight and want to distribute it through your own blog, email, or Facebook page.

Following these stories has been quite an experience. On a good day, I quickly read the latest update and then call Allyson over to the computer. We look at a picture of the child and then hold hands and pray over the need. I usually have tears streaming, but Allyson is grinning from ear to ear. She prays with such jubilance and confidence. "God, please 'betect' him," she prays, or "Please help her mama and daddy be happy."

I'm so thankful Allyson is growing in her faith and learning to care about others. It reminds me of praying with my own mother when I was a preschooler. I was always in awe of Mom's prayers, and I fully expected God to answer her requests. (He did.) If I can be half as good an example as Mom has been, my children will be well equipped to face life's challenges.

And then there are the not so good days. To be honest, sometimes I don't have the energy to read the updates that periodically come via email. It's not that I mind spending a couple of minutes praying for these precious children, but that it's emotionally exhausting to face someone else's pain. It makes it impossible to keep believing that nothing like this could ever happen to me. It makes me feel hopelessly inadequate because there's nothing I can do to ease these strangers' pain.

This morning was one of those days when I felt too tired to think about Joshua's battle. When I saw the update in my Inbox, I thought, "I'll read it later. After I finish the laundry. Or maybe tomorrow." But then I remembered a friend's recent post about refusing to be numb any longer, and I knew that this was not the response that Jesus would have if I were the one in need. He wouldn't purposely make himself numb to my pain. He would bear my burden, just as he expects me to help others bear their burdens. He would be "at the right hand of God, interceding" for me (Romans 8:34).

Needless to say, Allyson and I prayed fervently for Joshua, and then Luke, and then Kate. Just as I knew I would, I'm now feeling utterly drained. Like my friend Melissa, I'm going to let myself feel the pain. And I'm going to let that pain push me toward Jesus.

Tears of Joy
Watching these families over the past weeks and months has been more rewarding than I could have known. I'm in awe of their courage, patience, and steadfast faith. You'll see what I mean if you watch this video of Kate's parents.

I'm thankful for the transparency of all of these parents and grandparents, and I'm rejoicing in the blessings that have unfolded in the midst of their painful situations--such as the outpouring of love from friends, family and strangers. No one but God can make something so beautiful out of something so terrifying!


Josh's Letter
Here is the letter that Luke's grandmother, Kathy, is asking us to distribute. Please do so if you feel so led...

Dear Friends,

On Nov. 1, 2007, our 13 year old grandson Josh Eberly went into a local clinic and had the last allergy shot in a series of 7. He'd been receiving this for a year. Josh has asthma also.

On this particular date they were running late and even asked the clerk at the desk if they were too late to get the shot. Oh how I wish they'd had the doors locked that day because while he was given that shot the person giving it to him was discussing trick or treating with him. Josh explained that they don't do trick or treating and the clerk gave him some candy.

The shot was given at 6:15 PM and within 2 minutes Josh had an allergic reaction. His last words to his mother as he was falling to the floor was "Help me!".

Because the clinic had nothing there except the epi pen for such things Josh suffered cardiac arrest. The ambulance was busy in that community so they had to radio one from the nearby town. Valuable time was lost. Our daughter tried to administer CPR but began to hyperventilate.

We took the call around 6:23 from Josh's brother Jake (our oldest grandson). He was hysterical and it took me awhile to get out of him what had happened. We headed there not even knowing where he was. At first I thought maybe they had been riding their bicycles and something had happened to Josh. The words he said to me were "Grandma, you need to pray for my brother. It's BAD!" as he was screaming!

By the time we got there, Josh was being placed into the ambulace. The local hospital got him stable as he literally died. His eyes were fixed and dilated. He was life-flighted to Mott's Children's Hospital in Ann Arbor where he spent the next 102 days. They say he went without oxygen for 20 minutes. We think it wasn't that long but still too long.

After the first week an MRI was done. They had a meeting where we were told the worse of the worse. They said he'd never be able to gag, cough, walk, talk and that he would always be on life support. They told us we should let him go. Of course, our faith in God told us that as long as there was life, there is hope.

We were devastated! Josh's whole family held fast to our beliefs. We prayed and prayed. Our Pastor and his wife came up and prayed with all of us. The next day Josh started doing some of those things they had just told us he'd never be able to do. So they became "hopefully optimistic". So are we.

Josh now goes to Ann Arbor twice a week. He is making progress and we have faith in God and know that God is able. It's been difficult for the whole family because Josh's dad quit his job in order to take full time care of Josh. He's in a wheelchair and can not move or speak. He's in a minimal state of consciousness.

The reason I'm sending this email is because we are requesting prayer. Our prayer focus is that Josh will begin to move his arms or legs, fingers, toes...That he would speak...a word, anything...now he moans or groans and yells. We believe he's trying very hard to come back to us. He is making progress, be it ever so slow.

Even though he suffered from a lack of oxygen we believe that God can restore anything that was lost. His memories, cognitive abilities, neurons, transmitters and all the other things that go along with an anoxic brain injury. (lack of oxygen)

When you receive this please say a prayer for Josh and pass this email on to everyone in your email list. I can't promise as other emails do, that if you send this to 12 people within 12 minutes something good will happen to you ... or if you don't that something terrible will happen to you. We just want to bombard heaven, as we've been doing for the past several months, but sometimes people forget to fervently pray. Josh stays home for the most part in order to keep him away from infections, etc. He's very vulnerable right now. So out of sight, out of mind maybe? Many are praying faithfully for Josh to be restored and we do SO appreciate that.

Please say a prayer specifically for the things mentioned and pass this email on to as many other people who you know will pray for Josh.

In the meantime we've set up a carepage for Josh where you can get all the information and more recently a caringbridge site. The address for carepage is www.carepages.com and put joshuaourwarrior in for the title. The CaringBridge site is www.caringbridge.org/visit/joshuaeberly THERE ARE PHOTOS POSTED ON BOTH OF THESE SITES

Kathy Giles
Josh's Grandma
kggma@yahoo.com

Please Pray for Dad

Dad had another endoscopy this morning to check for recurrence of his esophageal cancer. The original site is clear, but he had developed another cancerous nodule in a different area. This was a shock to us. We thought it was just a routine follow-up. Dad has been feeling so much better and looking so much better that we didn't expect bad news.

They did an ultrasound to see how far the nodule had penetrated, and they determined that they could safely cut it out--which they did today. He should have his biopsy results in ten days, and his doctor is consulting with a cancer specialist to determine the best course. His heart does not seem strong enough for a more invasive surgery. Chemotherapy may be an option.

I feel so exhausted emotionally. When I pray for him, I just pray for God to have mercy on Daddy. (He hasn't been Daddy for years and years, but right now he is. I am a little girl napping next to him on the living room floor while we wait for dinner.) I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to be sick at all any more. I just want this to go away.

Please pray for Dad and my family. Please pray that God will direct his doctors in determining his treatment plan.

Thank you!

Losing Myself, Finding The Real Me

I was scouring my old journals (about ten of them) looking for a story that came to mind tonight, but I couldn't find it. Instead, I found something else that really moved me. This is the reason I journal--and why I think EVERYONE should journal. It's an amazing thing to stumble on clues to who you were at some past moment, and to see who you are becoming. It's wonderful to see how God was speaking to you, loving you in your imperfections.

Excerpt From My Journal, 6/22/04
I'm ready to give up on changing myself. I realize that I can't do it. I struggle with the same selfishness, pride, and unkindness that I have lived in for years.

Yes, unkindness. I have always liked to think of myself as a sweet, kind person, but I am seeing a mean streak in myself. I mentally or even verbally ridicule anyone who doesn't measure up to my standards. I have allowed a wall to be built between me and my family.

I can be a huge success in all that I do at work, but WHAT DOES IT MATTER? What impact has my life had on those around me? I fear that the answer is "none." I have not allowed you to shine in me, Father. I have choked out the candle of your Spirit with my pride.

I am a wretch! I need you, Father! Please forgive my selfishness, my monstrous pride, my hatefulness. Please wash me clean, and cast my sin away from me, to be remembered no more.

Make me new, Father. Create in me a clean heart. I know I don't deserve your love or your forgiveness, but I'm opening my hands, lifting them to you, to receive them....

I feel like I have been afraid to let you really change me. I've been afraid of losing myself, who I think I am. I don't even know who I am, but I am comfortable being the old me.

Who do I think "Sarah" is? She is funny. She is smart, very smart. She tries to be likable. She tries to be moral and kind and loving, but she feels dirty and unworthy deep down. She is afraid of change, afraid of new things, big and small. She does not feel worthy to be loved, not by God, not by anyone except maybe Ethan [my son].

What do I have to lose by surrendering to God? Will I lose my sense of humor? I don't think so. I believe God delights in my laughter, that he taught me how to see the humor in life and make others laugh.

Will I lose my intelligence? No, but I might lose my pride about it. And I might gain real wisdom, about what really matters.

Will I be lovable and likable and kind? Yes, if I let God shine through me. People are drawn to Jesus, and they are drawn to real peace when they see it.

Ah, peace. That is what I need most of all. Peace and trust and rest--freedom from my fears.

And can I be loved by God, my Father? Yes, yes, yes. For God so loved the world (me, Sarah) that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever (especially me, Sarah) believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)

God already loves me, just as I am. He sent his son to die for me, just as I am. I don't have to change, to clean myself up, to earn his love. He loved me before I was even born. He planned my days. He knit me together in my mother's womb.

I like that image of knitting--patient, detailed work that is done with the hands. Not like a sewing machine with every stitch uniform. No, I am a unique, special creation. There is no one else like me, and God made me to be just who I am--only better! He made me to love him, to love my neighbor, to submit to him in everything I do. He made me to trust in him and not be afraid.

Oh, Father! I surrender to you now. I don't want to wait until I am good enough. I want to give you my heart today. Lord, I surrender my all, my very identity to you. Change my heart! Teach me to know you. Take my offering of me that I lift up to you.

Five Years Later
Looking back, I can see that I've grown in the last few years. I am surrendering my fears to God, one by one, and I am learning to love others as he loves me--because I am learning how very much he does love me. I so thankful that God put these desires in my heart, and I want to pray these prayers always.

The Least of These

I've been troubled for several days over something that happened last weekend in Chicago. When Angela and I were waiting for the subway, a man approached us and asked if we could help him (i.e. give him some money).

This is not the first time such a thing has happened to me, but there was something different about this man. He had a genteel, respectful manner. He stood a few feet away and, in a soft-spoken voice, told us that he had fallen on hard times and had been living in the subway a few weeks.

He said something like, "I know I look dirty and I probably smell, but I haven't had a way to take a shower down here. I don't want to make you feel threatened, so I'll stand back here away from you. You look like nice ladies, and I can see that you are traveling. If there's any way that you could help me, I'd be really grateful."

I hesitated for a moment. I really, really wanted to help him, but I looked sorrowfully in his eyes and said, "I had a dollar bill, but I just gave it to that man playing the guitar." That was true in a sense, but really it was a lie. The truth is, I also had a five dollar bill that I could have easily spared. So it wasn't the money. It also wasn't that I thought he was lying and didn't need the money; maybe he was lying, but he really seemed genuine. Besides, whenever I've felt prompted to give money to people, I've never worried over what they would do with the money. I always feel that I'm giving the money to God, and once I've been obedient, it really doesn't matter what happens next.

No, in this case, the truth was that I was afraid. I remembered all the times I'd been told not to give money to people on the street--that when you open your purse or your wallet, the person might grab it and run away. Worse yet, he might grab you and hurt you. In my gut, I didn't feel he was a threat, and I really wanted to help him. But I just couldn't take the risk.

He hung his head and walked away, and in a moment we boarded the train. I asked Angela what she'd thought of his story, and she said she had not been able to hear what he was saying. With all our stress over making it to the airport on time, I quickly forgot the incident.

Two days later, at Bible study, we talked about our mission as Christians. We studied Matthew 25, in which Jesus says that when we don't help the needy, it's like we've turned our back on Jesus himself:

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

I immediately thought of my encounter with the man in the subway, and my heart was pierced. Here was an opportunity to show love to a stranger, and I'd missed it! Since then, I've thought of that man often. I wish I could go back and do it again. I'd like to hand him the $5, or even the whole $25 if God so prompted me, and say, "God loves you, and so do I."

Now, all I can do is pray for him, and ask God to help me do better the next time. I want to be able to hear God's voice clearly and respond; when God tells me to do something, I know I can trust that he will take care of me.