Blessed Among Women

I'm sorry I've been such a stranger during perhaps the busiest season of my life (so far, anyway). I've missed you guys very much. This is going to be pretty random. I guess I'm out of practice.

Here's a bit of what I've been up to:

• Visiting my sister Amy, who had a massive stroke about two months ago. She is still half paralyzed, but she's working very hard at her recovery and is slowly making progress. She inspires me every time we're together because she has a child-like joy, and she positively overflows with laughter. Also, she's always so proud to introduce me as her sister, and her friends and therapists always say they've heard so much about me. She brags on her other siblings too. "My brother is coming tomorrow!" she says, with a radiant smile. Or, "I can't wait to see Emily and Paul."
• Minor renovations to my house that turned out to be much more time consuming and stressful (and costly) than I ever anticipated. I had three rooms and the ceilings painted in lovely shades of blue-gray, pale lavender, and some other delightful purple I don't know the word for. Lilac? Also I had my bathroom textured. And my bathroom cabinets painted. And I replaced the ugly laminate and all the carpet with gorgeous distressed honey bamboo. My dad, nephew Jacob, and dear brother-in-law Paul pulled off all the baseboards so I could get new ones installed. 
• Filling out application after application, tweaking my resume and cover letter, and monitoring the websites for all the surrounding districts for the teaching positions that are posted each day. I haven't had any interviews yet, but I made a couple of great contacts at a job fair last week. More on that later.
• Keeping up with my LEAP diet, which means carrying my own food everywhere any time I leave the house. That has gotten easier as I've been able to add more and more foods to my list, and also since I stopped recording all my food. I did that when Amy was really critical and I was at the hospital nearly every day.Thanks to God and my dietitian, I'm in much better health than I was this time last year.
• Running Allyson to soccer practice, soccer games, and soccer activities. She was supposed to be switching teams, but she doesn't want to decide between the new team and the old team. So right now she's doing both. At least she's getting her exercise. And I'm getting out in the sun and having an excuse to do nothing for an hour while she practices. 

Whew! 

God has been so good to me through all of this. Ever since Amy's stroke, my priorities have shifted. I realize that people are so much more important than things, and I keep my eyes open every day for the blessings all around me. Let me share just a few of those blessings.

A Walk in the Park

The other morning I went home through the park after I'd walked Allyson to school. It was my first walk of the season, and I'd forgotten the sheer joy of those paths. As I inhaled the scent of damp moss and honeysuckle, I felt all my earthly concerns drifting away. Next, I rounded a corner to find two birds circling each other against the backdrop of a brilliant blue sky, alternately swooping low and soaring high. In that moment, I felt incredibly... alive. I felt like a tiny piece of God's majestic creation, so insignificant and yet an essential part of the big picture. In that moment I could feel my connection to everything else in this universe that sings His praises. My heart sang along. 

The Best Birthday Yet

This year we celebrated my birthday at the rehab hospital where Amy was staying. Mom brought homemade ice cream, which was the first ice cream of any sort that I'd had since last summer. I wish I had words to describe how it felt and tasted on my tongue. But the joy of having all my family around me was sweeter still. We'd come so close to losing Amy just a month before. I'm sure I wasn't the only one with tears in my eyes while everyone sang Happy Birthday. 

Me, Emily, Amy, Melody, Rick

After the party, Allyson and I went to Mom's house. Melody's son Greg and his wife Jessica made dinner for the family. I thought I'd have to eat scrambled eggs since I'd forgotten to bring food and their meal had garlic, but Greg improvised a separate but equal meal for me. I was so touched by his kindness!

The next day, my actual birthday, Allyson and I made a strawberry cake from freshly ground sprouted wheat and iced it with cottage cheese maple frosting. My friend Kim and her family came from down the street to sing me Happy Birthday, and they brought me a beautiful bouquet which has made me feel so loved for two weeks now. 

Kitchen after making cake... Allyson wouldn't let me clean it on my birthday.
But neither did she!

We packed up the rest of the cake and headed to Rick's house, where the rest of the family had gathered to spend a bit more family time. While they had pizza, I ate the rest of my delicious chicken and pasta from Greg. And then we all had some cake. The cake carrier had slid off Allyson's seat just as we pulled up to Rick's house, so the cake didn't look so pretty, but it tasted pretty wonderful! Cake is a big treat for me these days.

One more thing happened on my birthday that felt like a bizarre little gift from God. My very cheap painter, Rico, hadn't had time to paint the bathroom cabinets two weeks before, and I'd been trying to reach him ever since to arrange it. He's so cheap and so good that he is booked at least a month out, and he rarely returns calls. I would've just given up on the idea because my old cabinets looked fine with the new color, but I had put several paint samples on the cabinets and they looked awful. On my birthday morning, I prayed about it. "Could you please help me reach Rico? Please, God."

About two minutes later, as I set my breakfast dishes in the sink, I saw a white van across the street. A ladder hung across the side closest to me. Hey, wasn't that... Yes, there was Rico's young assistant in my friend Ana's yard.

I tucked my nightgown into my sweat pants, zipped up my windbreaker, and slipped into some shower thongs, then rushed across the street to corner Rico in the yard just before he reached Ana's front door.

I was fairly sure he'd been avoiding me, maybe because my project turned out to be so much bigger than initially planned. But I grinned widely. "Hi!" I said. "Remember my bathroom cabinets? Do you think you could-"

"I paint them today?" he asked.

"Absolutely. Yes, whenever you're ready," I said.

I ran back across the street and washed and dried those cabinets, just in time for Rico to prime them in between coats on Ana's kitchen.

By early afternoon, I had lovely new cabinets. Happy birthday to me!

Wisdom From the Mouths of Babes
Last Monday, Allyson and I went shopping for my job fair outfit. We spent an entire evening and didn't find anything we really liked. Even though we were both horribly frustrated, we still had some great conversation. I confessed that the impending job fair had brought on a few momentary bouts of panic as I once again wondered whether I'd really heard God correctly about leaving my great job to go back to the classroom.

Allyson replied, "Mommy, you know that whatever happens, even if you are making a mistake, God will use it for your good. Because He always works for good for those who love Him."

"Yes, you're right, baby."

"Also, you've been praying for God's will, so I'm sure He will tell you somehow if it is not His will. Or He will block you from getting a job."

"Yes, that's true," I said, grinning ear to ear.

"God will always be with you wherever you go, and I know you will make a big impact on some children," she concluded.

That evening, I left a sink full of dishes to spend some much needed time in my prayer closet. "Oh, Father," I breathed. "I know you won't leave me wandering around in the dark. You're not that kind of a father. You always lead me, and you never forsake me."

For ten sweet minutes, I praised God for the wonderful plans I know He has for me. I told Him I only want what He wants for me, and I don't have to know what's coming because I know His plans for me are always better than what I could think up for myself. I look forward to telling you the story as it unfolds.

Torture at the Job Fair
The job fair was a very positive experience, and I learned a lot from talking with several principals. One even told me how to rearrange my resume and make it more concise so that principals may actually read it. I followed her advice promptly, and if I end up getting a job, I believe it will be due to that divine appointment.

That morning got off to a rather rough start, though. I'd bought a pair of dress pants that were really long, so I had to wear heels even though I knew I'd be on my feet for hours. Well, I didn't even make it out of the parking lot before I had charlie horses in my toes. There were thousands of applicants, and I had to park about a third of a mile out, up a big hill. All my weight bore down on my poor toes as I hobbled down that hill, being passed by absolutely everybody. I felt so ridiculous, but so fashionable!

Night Before the Big Day-See Pretty Boots

I stopped in a crowded bathroom, sank onto a toilet, and removed my left shoe. What a horrible idea! Two of my toes immediately contorted into a violent spasm, and I had to stifle my shriek of pain lest someone think I was having severe digestive issues. At first I feared I'd never get those misshapen toes back into my shoe. I rubbed and rubbed the sole of my foot, and finally I was able to cram my foot back into its prison, like one of Cinderella's ugly stepsisters forcing on a dainty glass slipper.

So the whole time I was talking to principals and HR representatives about my many qualifications, I had to tune out the indignant howls of my tortured feet. I plastered a smile on my face and tried to walk with some semblance of grace. After three hours, I managed to totter back up the hill to my car, where I promptly took off my shoes and socks and promised my feet I'd never wear heels again.

One More Walk in the Park
Tonight I had a free evening, and I'd planned to try the mid-week service at a new church I love, but I really felt too exhausted to go out, and there was no time to figure out what to make for dinner. I'd planned to have garbanzo beans, but when I put them out to soak last night, I accidentally turned on the Crock-Pot, so this morning I found them burned to a crisp.

"What should I do tonight, God?" I asked.

"Go for a walk," He said.

I put on my Five-Finger shoes, grabbed a zucchini muffin, and headed out. It was every bit as lovely as the walk I described earlier, and I had a wonderful chat with God. It had been a somewhat disheartening day at work, but my troubles floated away on the gentle breeze.

On my way back, I ran into my good friend Nosheen and her three small children. I turned around and walked the same path I'd just traversed, talking with her all the while. She was looking pretty frazzled because her husband was out of town, and her toddler had woken her at 2 a.m. At intervals, the toddler and the two-month-old screamed out the frustration that Nosheen surely felt. But she just smiled grimly and kissed their sweaty cheeks. "Ush-ush," she murmured.

I gave her a hug when we arrived at her house. "I asked God what to do tonight, and He told me to go for a walk. I think He wanted me to spend time with you," I said.

She grinned. "Yes, I am glad we got to talk," she said.

Just as I was thanking God for such a lovely surprise, I spotted sweet Kim, who'd given me the birthday flowers. Her daughter Claire shouted, "It's Sa-rah!" as she ran down the sidewalk toward me. Kim opened a double camp chair in her driveway, and we sat and talked into the twilight.

Back at home, I had a meal fit for a princess: two eggs fried in avocado oil and toaster-oven-roasted bell peppers. Surely I am blessed among women!

He's Already There

I've continued to pursue the dream God brought back to life in my heart, to become a public school teacher again. What a ride it has been so far! At first I was very afraid of the challenges, but then I threw myself into research, online classes, and classroom observation. The more I discover about the latest research on learning, the more excited I am to try those strategies out for myself.

In fact, for a time I was so excited that I couldn't think about anything but teaching, even when I should have been sleeping. For several nights in a row, I lay in bed utterly exhausted but too keyed up to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking of things I might try, books we might read, things I wanted to say to my students. Even as I pleaded for sleep, I thanked God for putting such a passion in my heart.

At other times, though, my fear has taken the upper hand. One example was the first time I observed Mrs. I. at the middle school just around the corner. It was such a blessing to be there. All I had to do was email the principal and ask if he had an English teacher who wouldn't mind a visitor, one he thought a returning teacher would want to emulate.

The Sweetest Valentine

Meant to post this on Valentines Day, so that for once I wouldn't be totally behind on my stories. Oh well...

This may have been my sweetest Valentines Day yet. Allyson and I planned our usual Valentines dinner, complete with kids' champagne and candles, though our lighter was out of fluid and we couldn't find any matches.

Allyson still made the table special...

She made place cards... just two.
(Ethan had dinner with his own Valentine)

She'd wanted her favorite yellow rice and chicken, our typical menu, but she settled on baked potatoes with grilled chicken and cheese instead because I can't eat rice, and she didn't want me to eat something different. I was touched by her thoughtfulness. We made saffron rice on the side, and I laughed when she piled it on top of her potato. Her meal was the very opposite of low-carb!

Allyson dressed up in a pretty dress and borrowed Mama's makeup. And then she informed me that this dinner required fancy attire, and made me change out of my faded jeans.

I was glad she did, so that our Valentines selfie was much prettier:

Allyson is loving her new selfie stick. 

She tried to get Arwen to model for a shot, but she wouldn't cooperate.

She made me this cute and clever card:

And then made this one for good measure, because she hadn't had time to write a sentiment inside the first card:

She made Ethan a card, too. She drew a picture of a cute little cat and wrote, "I have felines for you."

As I wrote in Allyson's card, I am so blessed by her romantic heart, full of the truest love. She spent a few hours making cards for her family at both houses, for all of her teachers, and for many of her friends. In addition to the witty puns she'd copied from the Internet, she wrote sweet messages in each one.

And now we are going to eat the very humble apple pie we made this afternoon. I'm sure it will be much tastier than it looks...

Five. Minutes. Later.

Oh, my goodness! That was so delicious. Allyson and I just finished off half of our little pie. I guess I should have made a full-size one.

Funny, Allyson thought I should have looked for a pretty pie photo online to post, but I thought you'd appreciate the real thing more. But as payment for my vanity in posting photos of my food, I actually dropped my phone into it. If you look closely you might spot the dent in the lower left corner. That was my piece. No matter.

I hope your Valentines Day was just as sweet.

Great Expectations

Oh, I've missed you! I'll try not to wait so long before my next post. No promises, though. 

Two Christmases ago (2013), I shared with you how God amazed me with literally my most beautiful Christmas season ever. Here, this may jog your memory:

That was my first Christmas after the divorce, and I'd been dreading it, struggling to muster up any Christmas spirit. God, my friends, and my family had more than enough Christmas spirit to share, and it really was the best Christmas of my life--all the more so because it was such a delightful surprise. 

After such a wonderful Christmas, I was actually looking forward to Christmas 2014. I wasn't at all worried about being depressed even though I knew both of my kids would be with their fathers on Christmas day. Although there were many blessings that Christmas season, I was surprised when I spent a good portion of Christmas day in tears, which led to a week or two of mild depression. 

So this year, I didn't know what to expect. I just decided to focus on enjoying family traditions. But things were different this year. Allyson and Bill went to Canada before Christmas rather than after, and we didn't get to do several of our usual pre-Christmas rituals, like making marshmallows. For the first time in seven years, we just didn't get around to it. But we did make banana bread and hand that out to our friends in the neighborhood.

Allyson's Blessed Year

I have a few moments tonight, so I thought I'd share some long overdue Allyson stories. Here we are starting the Christmas season, and I realize I never even posted her first-day-of-school pictures.

This year we tried something new for school clothes shopping: we visited a couple of resale shops. Allyson was a little reluctant at first, but I told her our budget was a little limited this year due to all my medical bills over the spring and summer. This way we could get a lot more for our money. When we got to the first one, she was like a kid in a candy shop. She couldn't stop exclaiming over all the bargains. We each walked out with a giant armload of clothes--all the brands she loves--for under a hundred dollars. Ka-ching! During our bedtime prayers that night, Allyson sweetly thanked God for blessing us with all these clothes.

For the first day of school, she put together several of her "new" pieces, including some super cute boots that we got from the teen resale shop. (Like me, Allyson has been blessed with giant clodhoppers and has already grown into women's shoe sizes.)

I was a little nervous about the long sequined tank with the short jean vest, but Allyson was perfectly confident in her ability to accessorize. Good thing, because she's not going to get much help from me in that department. Same with hair styling, I'm afraid. Not to worry, Allyson finds all the help she needs on YouTube.

Desires of My Heart

The stack of untold stories in my brain is getting so tall it's about to topple, but as always, I only have time for one. So I'm going to share the story that is burning in my heart....

My pastor has a saying that kind of makes me shiver: "All of us are always in one of three phases. We're either in the middle of a trial, coming out of a trial, or about to go back into a trial."

When I was in the middle of my very painful divorce, that saying brought me comfort. I knew the trial had to come to an end eventually. And I knew that I was learning valuable lessons in trusting God that couldn't be learned any other way.

But now that life seems sweeter than ever before, I've started to wonder about the next trial. What will it be? How long can this calm last? What if my life is torn in two again?

At the same time, I've felt wistful about the amazing closeness I developed with God during the worst of my trials. When life is going smoothly, it's a sad fact that I get busy and distracted, and sometimes I forget to commune with my Beloved. Oh, He's always there, and I talk to Him, but somehow it's not quite as sweet as all those times when I cried my heart out with Him in my prayer closet.

That doesn't mean God isn't working on me. Oh no. Over the last few weeks, He's been doing something utterly miraculous in my heart. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Best start at the beginning.

My Little Plumbing Buddy

Oh, I have so much to tell you. Deep, meaningful things. Shallow, silly things. Scary things. Little joys, small disappointments, major victories. If I had time, I would share them all. But I don't, and I've been missing you. So tonight I will share just one story. (Or maybe two.) 

One of my biggest joys of late has been working with Allyson in the kitchen. She's taken a few cooking lessons over the last couple of years and even attended a week-long cooking camp this past summer. At first, cooking with her was something I permitted for the greater good even though she slowed me down considerably. I'm not sure when the transition occurred, but in recent months I've realized that she is now a huge help to me. It actually goes beyond mere help. She can cook entire recipes on her own, with very little supervision.

Recently she made something I'd never dreamed of attempting: homemade sopapillas (from freshly ground sprouted wheat, of course). One weeknight evening she made up her mind she wanted them, and I didn't have the energy to talk her out of it. To her delight, we had all the ingredients. The dough was surprisingly easy for her to make, all on her own. Frying them in a skillet, however, took a bit of trial and error.

Chapter 3 - Finding Rachel

Here's the link to chapter three of my novel.

Chapter 3

If you'd like to keep reading, please visit the Finding Rachel blog and sign up for email notifications. I will post a chapter each Sunday.

I'm having fun! I hope you are too.

Chapter 2 - Finding Rachel

As promised, here is chapter 2 of my novel, Finding Rachel. Enjoy!


Chapter 2


Allyson had fun helping me act out this scene on our back porch, to figure out the logistics. She also enjoyed trying to help me with editing, but I finally threw her out because she was making me nervous.


I will post one more chapter notification next Sunday on this blog. After that point, if you'd like to receive notifications, you'll need to subscribe for email alerts on the Finding Rachel blog. Or you can just check back every Sunday.

Finding Rachel

Every now and then, somebody asks me about my novel. Did I ever finish it? Am I going to look for a publisher? That always gives me a sinking feeling.

I did finish the first draft about four years ago and started on the hard work of revision. Soon after, I went through a divorce, and publishing my novel wasn't even on my priority list.

It's been nearly three years since Bill and I separated, and I've started thinking about my neglected manuscript again. Thinking is all I have time to do about it; I never knew it was possible to be this busy.

During a recent Bible study on the life of King David (Chasing After the Heart of God), I was inspired to pray about how God wants me to be courageous, to step out of my comfort zone. My novel immediately came to my mind and heart, and I knew it was time to share this story that God gave me.

I still don't have time or energy to revise the manuscript for publication, but I believe I can manage publishing a chapter a week online.

This is an act of courage for me for two reasons:

1. I'm afraid it's not good enough. That's why I'm going to publish it anyway and let you decide. This is a good step toward letting go of my perfectionism. 
2. I'm afraid to commit to a chapter a week. I know I won't be able to resist the urge to do at least some minor editing, and that will take time. I fear publishing the first few chapters and then leaving you all hanging. 

I explained all this to God, but He told me not to let fear stop me from using the gifts he gave me. I can't argue with that!

I've set up a separate blog, Finding Rachel. I will post a chapter there each week, probably on Sundays. I plan to publish links to the first few chapters on this blog, but if you want to be notified each time I post another chapter, please visit the other site and enter your email address in the "Subscribe" section.

Also, if you enjoy the story, please share it with others via social media. My prayer is that someone will be touched by this story of redemption and healing.

So here's the first chapter:

Chapter 1

Flip Or Flop

In my last entry, I shared my struggles with anxiety over recently diagnosed food allergies. I'm happy to report that I am in much better spirits. I haven't only let go of the worry and frustration, but I've actually even started to have fun trying new things. As always, the stories have been stacking up in my head, so I thought I'd take the time to share a few of them.

One of my favorite things to cook is pancakes. I have nearly a dozen favorite recipes, most including yummy fruits and even vegetables. I love apple pancakes, strawberry pancakes, peach pancakes, banana pancakes, pumpkin pancakes, and especially blueberry chocolate chip pancakes. 

When I started my rotation diet several weeks ago, pancakes were one of the foods I grieved for the most. I'd gone off gluten grains (wheat, barley, etc.) and other similar grains (spelt, Kamut, etc). I was able to eat buckwheat and rice, but on their respective days, there weren't enough other ingredients to make pancakes -- or so I thought, until I found The Ultimate Food Allergy Cookbook and Survival Guide. From this book, I learned that you can make quick breads even without baking powder and eggs! All you need is baking soda and some form of acid for leavening, such as vinegar, lemon, or rhubarb concentrate. (Baking soda, like salt, is non-reactive.)

Since I could only have vinegar every four days and I wasn't allowed to have lemon, I ran to the store for some rhubarb, which happened to be in season. I boiled the heck out of it and then strained the liquid, which I froze by the tablespoonful in an ice cube tray. Lo and behold, the results were glorious! Or maybe just edible.