Never Forget

Over the last year or so, my physical, mental, and spiritual health has steadily improved. Despite all the challenges with Covid-19 and the resulting isolation, in recent weeks I've recognized hope and joy blossoming in my heart again.

Against this bright backdrop, the shocking events in our capitol last Wednesday seemed even darker. For the first time in months, anxiety squeezed my chest, and a heaviness weighed me down as I struggled to put together something for dinner. A familiar question that had plagued me for months last year resumed its oppression: "What is the point?" 

Now it was not only my life that was falling apart, but apparently my country also. And all I could do was watch it crumble.

These bleak thoughts wrapped my mind and heart in darkness until bedtime, when I finally spent a few minutes in prayer. Following advice from a recent entry in Jesus Calling, the devotional that has been so instrumental in rebuilding my faith, I pondered the power of Jesus and His infinite love and said, "I trust you, Jesus." Quieted, I sank gratefully into sleep.

On Thursday, though, I couldn't resist the pull of news stories and videos that portrayed the horror more vividly. Tears rolled down my cheeks when I saw a "Jesus Saves" flag waving amidst scenes of violence. What made my heart most sick was the intensified divisiveness I observed on social media. How could it be that the terrorist attacks on 9/11 had drawn our country together so poignantly, yet this attack from within had driven the wedge between opposing groups even deeper? Where would it all end?

On my drive to a counseling session that evening, I sobbed when I passed several American flags flying on one residential block. Again I flashed back to 2001, first to the horror that my mind had been unable to fathom for many days after those towers collapsed, and then to the throbbing pride and devotion that had surprised me afterward, the first time I gazed at a flag while the national anthem played. It was the first time in my life that I could understand why tears often filled my father's eyes during the anthem; he is a Korean War veteran. 

Now, as I contemplated the future of our country, I felt only despair and profound grief. Would my children--or my grandchildren--ever enjoy the blessings I'd taken for granted so many years? 

When I confessed a few minutes later that I'd been too unsettled to do my homework the night before, my counselor said he'd heard similar sentiments several times that day. He recommended that I try to take comfort in the very fact that all of this was beyond my control... because the One who is in control is well able to work everything out for our good. 

We finally moved on to the exercise he'd assigned as homework. I was supposed to identify the most important lie that has shaped my negative thinking and then describe my earliest memory associated with that thought. I bit my lip as I scanned the sheet we'd been working from for the last couple of visits. "I think the root of all my negative thinking is, 'I'm not good enough,' " I said at last. "I think it ties to these other lies, too: 'I am inadequate' and 'I have to be perfect and please everyone.' It's what drives my perfectionism."

After I'd taken a few minutes to recount a childhood memory and relive the emotions, he asked me what truth could replace the lie I'd been believing. 

"Um..." I drew a deep breath through my mask. "I think... 'I am fearfully and wonderfully made.' "

He nodded encouragingly.

"Or... 'I am loved.' Yes, that's it. 'I am loved.' "

"How about, 'I am loveable'?"

I considered the subtle differences between the two statements. To me, "I am loveable" almost implied having done something to deserve love, while "I am loved" made me think of my Father's love, which is mine simply because I am. 

"I like, 'I am loved,' " I concluded.

Talking through my feelings certainly lifted some of the burden, but I was still in a bit of a funk on Friday. Visiting with my parents and my sister Amy that evening helped, but I could feel hopelessness dragging me down again on the way home. The dull pressure headache behind my right eye wasn't helping matters, so I decided to stop at an all-night pharmacy to buy a Flonase nasal inhaler even though it was already past my bedtime.

As I drove, I thought back over the past months and how my faith has been growing ever since God confirmed my current memory passage with a beautiful sacred echo back in September. My faith had been at an all-time low then, and I'd almost considered walking away from my faith. I was so grateful that God had answered my cry when I needed Him most.

Although I felt relatively stronger at that point, my faith still felt really small after days of focusing on all the terrible news. I remember thinking that I could sure use another encouraging message from God right then, but I don't know whether I prayed about it. 

I walked into the Walgreens around 10:15 and quickly located the generic Flonase, which was shockingly expensive but worth every penny given the congestion that had resulted from skipping just two days of use. I was halfway to the checkout when I remembered that I'd been out of Kleenex for a week or two. I was so ready for bed, but the store was small, and I was tired of wiping my nose on toilet paper.

I fruitlessly searched the two aisles that seemed most logical and then retraced my steps to the back of the store. As I cut through the greeting card aisle, my head continued swiveling from one side to the other even though I knew I wouldn't find any tissues there. At first, my gaze passed blindly over a sea of cards, but then my feet abruptly halted before my brain could even register what had caught my attention. It was these words, fashioned in giant letters, sparkling and green:

You Are Loved By God

The sacred echo from yesterday's counseling session was too tantalizing to ignore, despite my headache and the late hour. I reached across the aisle and slipped the card from its slot. 

My eyes widened at a second echo on the bottom of the front cover.

YOU ARE LOVED BY GOD
higher than the sky...
deeper than the ocean...
MORE THAN YOU'VE
EVEN DARED TO DREAM.
The hairs on your head are numbered...
The cares in your heart are too.
YOU ARE FEARFULLY
AND WONDERFULLY MADE. 
You have a purpose
and there is a good plan for you.

(sacred echoes highlighted) 

 

No matter how many times God does this for me, I never cease to be amazed and delighted at His intricate timing and the orchestration of the seemingly disconnected events that lead me to these hidden echoes of His voice. His creativity is beyond comprehension.

I opened the card with trembling fingers, and then an explosion of associations fired in my mind and set my heart to thumping. So many of my precious memory passages were featured in this card that it should have had my name on it. 

You are 
FULLY KNOWN &
COMPLETELY ACCEPTED
by the One who loves you 
more than you can even imagine.

NEVER FORGET!

I pray that you... may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:17, 18)

As I read, the precious stories of these verses suffused me with warmth. (I've linked to a few of the stories I've written about these passages below.)

• higher than the sky - Psalm 103:11 (For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him.)
• deeper than the ocean - Psalm 42:7 (Deep calls to deep... all your breakers have washed over me.)
• fearfully and wonderfully made - Psalm 139
• fully known - Psalm 139:1 (Oh God, you have searched me, and you know me.... He cares enough to search me, and He loves me exactly as I am.)
• more than you can even imagine - Ephesians 3:20
• how long and high and deep is the love of Christ - Ephesians 3:18

For several moments, I stood stock still, gaping at the card in my hand. Finally, I put it back in its spot and started fumbling for my phone so that I could take a picture; I knew I had to blog about this experience. 

But a voice in my head stopped me. Don't take a picture. Buy the card.

But who would I give it to? 

You.

But, I've never bought a card for myself. 

I pulled the card back out and flipped it over. Only $3.99, for such a precious gift! 

Buy it. It's for you, beloved.

I drove home with Flonase, Kleenex, and a tangible memento of the lavish reassurance that I am my Beloved's, and He is mine.

For the last 24 hours, I've continued to struggle with current events and the repercussions, but my thoughts keep returning to one truth: Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). 

As long as I focus on being fully, perfectly loved by my all-powerful, all-knowing Father, I know that I have nothing to fear, ever. 

When I look at the darkness and desperation behind the recent division in America, I can see the fear under it all. We fear what we can't understand. We fear the others, the ones who seem so different from us. We fear the things that are spinning ever more out of control. Fear drives us to do crazy things. It makes us forget what we used to know. 

The truth is, even in terrible times like these, I am not really helpless. 

• I can pray to the One who holds us all in His hands.
• I can love others as Jesus has loved me. 
• I can let His light shine through the cracks of my little clay jar (2 Corinthians 4:7), and I know the darkness cannot overcome it (John 1:5). 
• I can think on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable" (Philippians 4:8), and I can encourage others to do the same. 

I'll start with you. I want you to know that, in the same way that God is especially fond of me, He is also especially fond of you. You are so precious to Him! There is a good plan for you, still. 

YOU ARE LOVED BY GOD. Never forget!